除夕這一天
進口的牛肉片和鯛魚片倒還不錯
2009/01/25除夕
一早老媽已經在氣我賴床，在門外不停叨唸著還不起床吃早餐
本來和Zoe約好九點鐘要前往家樂福採買最後的幾樣火鍋料
一整夜失眠又情緒過度起伏的我卻遲遲無法下床
Zoe敲門進來問我怎麼了
然後，以為自己早已經走過低潮的我再度崩潰了
Zoe聽我說著、哭著，直到我把委屈都哭訴完畢也平靜下來為止
洗把臉，如常做著平日起床後會做的兩三事
在老媽還來不及發現發生了什麼事就出門了
除了雙眼浮腫，基本上我已經回到迎接新年的好心情
事後覺得不可思議
卡爾簡簡單單的一句話，這一夜我就又回到過去等電話的愚蠢模式裡
說要打電話給人家，卻挑個凌晨一點多的時間撥打手機
沒接到也好，根本不是誠心誠意
是他一時太過無聊嗎
經過了幾個月，根本什麼都沒改變
依然是不顧別人死活的自私鬼
為什麼不繼續消聲匿跡呢
回過神，覺得自己蠢到不行，到底在哭個什麼勁呀
好不容易已經開始一個人的悠哉
不用背負另一個人的喜怒哀樂，覺得心裡好輕鬆
未來一個人飽就是全家飽而感到好自在
Zoe還常提醒我別放得太鬆了
姊姊千萬別變成那種不修邊幅、完全不在意身形的女生，她嚴肅地說
(((哈)))我這麼精神性，吃再胖也是會煩東煩西瘦下來的啦
隨性但不隨便，再怎麼樣也會維持個整齊的模樣啊
沒什麼好擔心的
中午的時候卡爾打我手機，剛好我上廁所沒接到
稍後我回電，他已經在去台中的路上開著車不方便說話
告訴我等他回台北再說
『再說』是他的話裡我最最討厭聽到的兩個字
它所代表的實際意義是
「我什麼也不會做，等等，也許可能有一天我會想要做什麼」
屁哩~~~誰管你哪天忽然想要做什麼
就是習慣讓人等，別人是為你而活的嗎
真的非常後悔回電給他，應該學他沉默到死才對
經過幾個月，不過說了幾句無關痛癢的話而已
有超過一百個字嗎？心卻又被狠狠撕裂了一回
愚蠢，不值得
被老媽叫酒鬼的Zoe沒想喝酒，今年我們乾的是黑松沙士
為了除夕圍爐和稍後的揀紅點守歲活動
難得地睡了午覺
一覺起來，眼睛消腫了，什麼都覺得好多了
可不是嗎，看看我最愛的家人就在我身邊
沒什麼比這更叫人覺得幸福的了
年初的檢查報告讓老媽從今年起追蹤檢查可以拉長到一年一次
她雀躍地像隻小鳥
高齡的老爺子今年比往年更健康地與我們一起迎接新年
原本擔心沒年終的Zoe不但拿到了年終還有主管私下加給的獎金
眉開眼笑的她自告奮勇支付許多年菜開銷
火鍋吃完之後，全家人開心地拍了好多照片
去年還遺憾家裡人丁稀少不夠熱鬧，今年完全沒這種感覺
每個人都健健康康、活力充沛，才幾個人就已經要吵翻天了
年夜飯後撿紅點是我們家女人測手氣的傳統
往年老爸會很安靜地看著他的書
今年當我們母女三人在廝殺的時候，他也正和電腦廝殺象棋
老媽和Zoe打牌習慣唸東唸西，老爸也握著滑鼠哎呀個沒完
被罵失神不專心但其實冤枉的本人再度逢賭必輸
牌品好，但牌技、牌運從來沒好過
Zoe原本是大贏家，但過了子時就被老媽整個翻盤
說好只玩到十一點半就收工看電視熬過十二點
結算Zoe居然剛好是本錢，沒輸也沒贏，太神奇了
最後由我獨輸給老媽這個高手
怎麼一點也不叫人意外呢
沒錯，幸福是一種當下的感覺
和有沒有什麼無關
把握當下才是真的，其它的都太過虛幻
珍惜手中的福份吧
hello, you probably don’t remember me. This is your college classmate, Shao-Tsang. (sorry I can’t type Chinese) I saw your blog at Chia-yi’s website. At first I was just browsing through some pictures and admiring how you still have that college look. Then I ended up reading your compelling love story with Carl. It’s quite heart-breaking, to say the least. In New York, where I lived for 12 years, me and my girlfriends have dated noncommittal guys like Carl. We consider them bad news. Sometimes we call them ”cancer” because they made you fall for them and then slowly eat your brain cells away with their stupid distancing signals. ”I will call you right back” meant a phone call 3 days later or longer, or call to cancel your date at the last moment. At some point, you just have to wake up and accept the fact that ”he is just not that into you”. (this self-help book has turned into a movie”. http://www.books.com.tw/exep/prod/booksfile.php?item=F011419043
Maybe this book can help you find closure and some understanding to why Carl behaves the way he does. My first relationship was like yours and it lasted for 6 long years before I decided enough is enough. It was heartbreaking but a healthy choice. My husband was noncomittal in the first 3 months when we were dating. Every time when he didn’t make the call when he said he would or flirting with other girls, I just simply said ”it was nice hanging out with you but I don’t want to see you anymore.” i gave my reasons why these behavriors are inexcusable for me and he realized I meant it. Sometimes he would say if it weren’t for me to dump his stupid ass so many times, he wouldn’t learn to have a real relationship. So I believe there is someone out there for you. Don’t give up love. You certainly deserve it being this loving caring smat woman as you are.
hope it helps. :) I am a self-help book junkie. When I am hurting, I would just curl up with this sort of books, such as ”your lover is a liar”, ”love smart”, ”a party for one”. Ha, it’s like therapy on the cheap, certainly got me through rough times.
P.S. you know I meant ”smart” right? gosh, I hate typos especially when I am trying to compliment someone.