Since April Piotr and I grew closer, there has been a series of training to myself; maybe provided by his intention or by my own survival instinct. This particular aspect of training is related to "being comfortable on my own".

Piotr is the type of man who has to go away some time.

In July 2011, two days after I returned from Taiwan, he went to London for two months working as a backstage technician at Royal Opera House.

In April 2012, he was away for couple of days, every several days, to Warsaw, filming for BBC.

In June 2012, a contracted work in Indonesia took him away for nearly 40 days of the summer.

And now, today, he has been off to London for two days, to do a short film.

I try now not to call him, not to imagine whether he would meet some females. These self-maintenance controls and calmness didn't form easily; they went through so many stages of uneasiness, mental jealousy after the stupid crazy imaginations, withdrawal syndromes after an ignorant pessimism.

Before the semester ended, Piotr and I talked about his plan for summer, I promised myself that I am not going to call him like frantic person (which is exactly what I did last summer while he was in Indonesia). Not only did this obsession over-worked in me, it led to an uneasy communication between us, and the trying-so-hard to get hold of someone only managed successfully to depress me.


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Individuality in Training


I realise the change in me, on his trip down to London this time. I didn't call him until he called me. The reason for this is that he would call me if he wants to talk with me. If I called him, it might not be a good time for him to talk with me. Of course the negativity in my imagination still tries its hardest to grow out of my mind land, but I don't let it grow any further than a sprout! Why I needed to worry or concern about someone who doesn't even exist? I know I am a very special woman whom Piotr has ever met: I am unique, different, pure and evil in one body, childish and mature, adaptive and affirmative at the same time.

I don't think there would ever be another woman better than me in Piotr's mind. I don't think he would ever destruct the special connection we have by a stupid impulsive temptation.

To feel this way, I must have a confidence in me growing already. Because I can tell in the words that I truly believe in my good quality and beauty that I know Piotr appreciates so much.

For this change in me, I am very grateful for these two years of relationship with Piotr. I have been learning and exploring about myself, as well as learning to be comfortable while I am on my own.

I enjoy going to the cinema on my own, I feel very comfortable sitting in a familiar cafe reading a book, doing chores on my own. These are the things I wanted to do yet the courage wasn't ready before. Thank you Vivian for learning to love me; Thank you Piotr for loving me this way.