Erica Rosario - alice in wanderland.jpg

a book of ever extending pages



Since April two years ago, Piotr and I developed this relationship which started off very surreally for first half year, then the trip in Thailand twirled an unexpected turn where I realised he is not as reliable as he puffed himself up to be (after the crossing-water incident at Krabbi beach) and upon returning to the student life he at first stayed detached then broadcasted me publicly as his girlfriend.

These two years entail all the big stories and small anecdotes; some sweet moments, big quarrels and much power-struggles. It was until last week Piotr mentioned that lately there are a lot of pulls and pushes I started noticing the vibes of shootings. He is right. He has always been being detached and difficult and at the beginning of this relationship I was more smooth and accommodating his temperaments; however, I am learning from a master of divaness - only Piotr himself. I become more and more bitchy, less tolerable or generous, and more mean, towards him.

This book of our story starts with a day-to-day basis, and then it grew to the wishes of ever after. At this stage of this story, there is not much to describe the details and me is more reserve than ever to the outcome of this relationship.

Summer approaching again, and he seemed unable to wait for its arrival. He wants to go away and there is the fear, circulating in my guts. The fear of him not coming back to us, and this would be the anticipated ending.

Should I be so worried about which country he is spending holiday in? Who would he meet? etc. However, if last summer he could be so confident in me not falling for other guy because ''he is so worthy the waiting for me'' according to his arrogant manner of speaking, I should be entitled to be this gorgeous woman who he is so eager to please, to impress and to keep, instead of me worrying about his whereabouts. I felt there should be no necessity in it, considering the what will be will be. But the precautiousness and unfaithfulness in love are my deep karma, they are just so tightly clinging to my mind, difficult to shake off. I kept checking out his friendships with other women and it is so unhealthy. What I can communicate and persuade myself off this self-abuse is only laying faith in my fortune of love, fostering the confidence in myself.

Another challenging attitude issue that I have to deal with in love is that I recognise myself these few weeks to be so sarcastically detached and cold to Piotr. I say something more where I usually stopped myself beforehand; I rejected doing favour for him or behaved less willingly than what I actually could do. Even in intimacy I pretend that I wasn't enjoying in it.

I became a pretender, with or without my consent and consciousness. It is not good and quite sicking. Almost like the behaviour when a person who just withdrew from drug addiction has to throw the anger out to the closest people around.


Coca-Cola spotted his work.jpg


If this book is about to end anytime soon, I decide to put a nice colour to each picture, from this page onward; this way at least at the end of the story the readers of the book, even though will close the book with a sadness, will think back about it with a smile in the future.