回臺兩週，行色匆匆；恍如一場忙亂的夢。因為種種緣故，這兩週間，我幾乎是以馬不停蹄的速度在各地間往來移動；散漫的時間多了，沈澱的空間卻少了。一週後我開始心浮氣躁、開始斤斤計較；在夏威夷那曾經寬舒自在的長風，於今蕩然無存。

I was so surprised that I still could be changed by the environment of Taiwan and couldn’t maintain the general myself who lived in Hawaii. I was pretty depressed about that, to tell the truth. I guess that’s how stories go: you thought you’ve become a better person, or that you thought you’ve already grown up as time moves on but you didn’t, actually. All you have done is nothing more than adjusting to the environments around.

我所曾見過的、那樣寬舒的自己，不過是稍稍瞥見天堂的吉光片羽；那美好其實非我所有，當然也由不得自己。What a sad story it is! The kindness and happiness are just an illusion which I didn’t, and can’t, get. That is to say, it was not me or it didn’t belong to me at all. 快樂如是、成長亦如是。朋友說我之所以失去曾經歷過的快樂，是因為我只是靠自己，而非倚靠她的 主耶穌。我承認，依靠 神可以得到豐盈的快樂；然而，神是否負責快樂的保存期限呢？──苦樂未曾為我所有，我也未曾為我所有。苦樂，以及我自身，不過是各種因緣際會的總合。因而，我的寬舒隨時能離我而去；我所以為成長的我自己，顯然也能在眨眼之間隨風而逝。如此，我焉能斷言我的確長大了？我又豈能確定，現今的自己就是自己？若然，則如此變易的「我」，能否「擁有」恆久的快樂？

多年前，我因堅持某些原則而與他人格格不入。曾如此言之鑿鑿地，我說：那才是我。隨著時光我漸漸老去，忽爾發現：我早已不是當年的自己。究竟什麼才是我呢？曾經那樣的堅持、那樣的頑強、那樣的固執，如今一一鬆動；如我原本毛躁的鬈髮，忽然柔順起來，其決定只發生在剎那之間。當年那文藝營的朋友曾說，唯有文字，能見我們的本心。可什麼才是我們的本心呢？如今的我再也說不清。快樂脆弱的時刻，我逃避著不敢書寫，惟恐那些醜陋的想法一旦形諸記錄，便烙印於時間的軌跡；惟恐，往後的自己複習了這些文字，又將那醜陋輸入於容量狹小的腦袋。我害怕著脆弱的自己，更害怕往後的自己，脫離不了此等想法的牢獄。然而，逃避自己，如何可能？

生平第一次，在如此短暫的時間裡見證了無常之迅速，與因緣之變遷。「我」之改變，說來理所當然：你見過不變的風嗎？至少我沒有。既然選擇作為長風，又豈能期待不變的、或是永遠正向變遷的自己？

In other words, you know, this experience is also a good lesson. It shows how weak it is that the delusion of my happiness. It shows that I didn’t own the happiness or even a better personality actually. And the better personality, the happiness and ”myself” in that sense, are nothing more than an illusion.

And that, knowing what an illusion be is probably also a starting point of approaching the truth.