I may have found the reason for my continuous suffering, feelings of insecurity, feelings of non-belonging, conflicting feelings of being free and trapped...simultaneously.
I have things missing in the bottom ranks, but I want to be at the top level without fulfilling my basic needs, therefore the confusion, the inconsistency, the pain and suffering, and therefore the sense of meaninglessness I feel from time to time.
Pride tells me I need to self actualise - and everything I do I endeavour to achieve exactly that, being a higher being and create, problem solve, be kind and mindful of others less fortunate, be creative and spontaneously fun...I failed to realise, I can't keep up at that level, simply because I am failing to take care of my basic physiological needs.
I'm wanting to take leaps and bounds and reach that apex of existentiality, but how can I do that if I don't feel satisfied, nor safe, nor understand love and have a sense of belonging, nor have solid self esteem rise from fulfling all of the above? How can I fly, when my wings are clipped, my belief is waning, my stomach empty?
Is it wrong to pursue animalistic wants? Is it really vulgar to pursue money? Is it vain to want good house, good cars, fashion and taste? Why punish myself for it, thinking it's non-spiritual to pursue these things, why shouldn't these things co-exist?
Yes I realised my deep sense of insecurity, arise from my background, which gives me complexity and the depth to think beyond, but also trap me in a loop of ego and self deprecation.
I realised it will take me longer than a lot of my peers, to reach the level I envy and aspire to. The need for money and security in me is stronger than most people, and only in money, power, influence would I find security and self esteem to pursue higher things, such as human rights, creative explorations, helping others.
And on that note, I should forgive myself for being money driven, for feeling poor and insufficient, for being like a money hungry animal. Because it's something I need and desire, in my 20s.
If I could rise above the fundamental needs, perhaps in my 30s I can truly pursue something much closer to my heart and soul. This perhaps, is my path.
既然入世了,就入世吧