Early this week, my line manager K had encountered his emotional breaking point with his partner because of the unceasible negative obsession over the future sister-in-law. At work, he said nothing, it was the wife (my Taiwanese friend) came to me looking for the habour to secure the safety bound. 

I empathised straightaway with the wife, and I truly disbelief if this relationship would end. As little as I know about K, I still have faith in this to be just quarrels, not close to a serious break-up. K needs his wife's company, and he adores the dishes his wife prepares. The distant blockage he presented after the row was just a time for the wife to retrospect what had been happening since beginning of this year, for himself to relax a small period of time without so much of a series of moans about his future sister-in-law and twin brother.   

In between this couple, I only could meddle little - as I know very little about what had been going on in their household. As far as this past week went, the comfort I could provide to the wife had failed to sustain, due to the office moral: I should not have interfere further as it is not my business and feel myself overstepped the line while I repetatively encouraged him to give out another chance. That is so easily perceived us petronising. Who am I? I have not even the marriage experience, relying on the four years senior to him, it totally doesn't qualify me to tell him what he should do at that point. 

However, I turned around and decided to encourage the wife - what she could do. As both women from Taiwan, I sensed what could be the reasons led to this seemingly unconsolidatable dispute. Women from Taiwan, including me, are bit too intellect in taking marital relationship as possession: I own you and you own me - the sense of unity is beautiful however the danger of using the unity scenario to regard any potential changes in surroundings/people as threat is not so understandable by the westerners. 

The sense of possession starts from protection from any harm in destroying the unity, but then gradually it cooks into the unwanted result - taste of sourness: chained freedom.

I adore my own eastern collective culture yet I also admire the western individuality culture. Apparently, after breaking up with Dannie, like breaking up with the guaranteed happiness that i longed for years, I couldn't dissect now how much percentage of me appreciating the beauty of eastern values and how much of me walking fascinatingly towards the love for yourself. 

I remember the line I told my line manager K is: punishment is enough, once your wife retrospects her wrongdoings, she would change but you have got to give her a chance to let you see her new side. To me, even though he said he doesn't do punishment, I strongly feel he didn't want to step into divorce - it is just a space for her to think about what had been happening in the past year and for him to risk whatever this would lead to.  

Eventually, the cold war had been called off - as I predicted. I am very pleased to hear K talking about his wife's dishes once again. However, there is a turn of the story, after I smilingly closed my concern for their book.

During the week, I had been working full time during the day, and once I returned home I devoted myself to supervise P's honour's project write-up. Apparently, my line manager's marriage problem and his wife's messages only piled up my stress. The pressure-induced coldsore emerged onto my lip, several holes broke out in my mouth. This warning sign doesn't call out anyone's fault, other than mine. 

While I promised to supervise P's write-up, I neglected how much I needed time for myself to relax, to reflect emotionally and balance the office hours in the evening. I ignored how little hours I could get before the next day's work. I dismissed how cruel and numb the exhaustion had climbed over me. I was nearly at the urge of breaking down. 

I realise how little I cherish myself, how small I regard myself. Everything becomes duty, responsibility and my job, while they aren't. While I care about P's study, his feelings and his sleep quality, everytime he knocks on the door, phones me at work, a small sack loaded onto my shoulder. It must have been like this for a long while, without myself noticing. I am not happy anymore in this relationship, because it is a door to stacked boxes of favours, tasks and attention. What do I get from this other than granted access to having him around, just having him around basically - that is it. Am I really that lonely to certain extend that having him around outbeated everything?! NO.... I rarely feel lonely, and the most realisation lately is that it is more pitiful for those people who still feel lonely while their partners are around. I don't want to remain in that kind of role. And I intend to step out of this deluded dilemma. 

I gave out honestly how I feel to him without emotional words, even though they are harshier and meaner than if I did use emotional words. Those remarks onto all his relationship patterns in his life had been cutting through his heart - I know I am observing his life precisely through a very objective pair of glasses. 

I still have feeling for this person, but I don't want to be seduced into helping him, putting him in the centre of my life, by his poor-me attitude. I always know he is self-centre, and maybe that was the quality that attracted me from the beginning. Therefore, i won't be using this self-centreness and selfishness as a reason to criticise him; on the other hand, I am only letting him know that he should learn to appreciate people's effort or love by not just saying in words and quickly becomes forgetful once those people failed to upholding his demands next time.   

Finally, last night, after Lin kindly brought back the Christmas tree for door twenty-four, three of us set the tree up with P's christmas lights, we had a blown-off fight. I still don't think it an emotional fight, or irrational arguments. He simply thinks from his perspective and so does I. If neither of us comprimised, this is it. And, it won't be me to step forward to his side, trying to soften things up, because I believe in what I am feeling. 

And, its only the heart the most important thing in our life. If I don't love myself a lot, don't value myself highly in priority, I am shamefully a living betrayal to my parents' family love for me. I should lead my life as much as my parents wanting to see me happy, richful in mind and healthily maintained life. Nothing less I should carry on.