02-17-2012

"May you never be sure of any plans you desire 

But you'd learn to trust the plan He has for you 

May your passions be tried and tested in the holy fire 

May you fight with all your life for what is true"

--Kendall Payne, 'Prayer'

To a job candidate, the few lines of lyrics above are very challenging.

The next morning of my full-day-schedule interview, my tears streamed down my face while I encountered severe headache. We weren't able to enjoy the South Padre Island, but my beloved warmth did touch me. His quiet support was louder than ever.

The other day during college students Sunday meeting, the application questions asked under what circumstances one would trust God most, and when the least. Last Sunday, friends (a couple) invited us to dinner. As we chatted, the husband shared his view on saving. He started thinking of the "tipping point:" when is too much financial security for us to trust God? "Saving should be of purpose." Surplus indicated extra giving or optional upgrades.

Looking back of my first three years of doctoral program, those days were the peak of my powerlessness and helplessness. There was nothing I could do to secure my funding, nor my romantic relationship. Those days were also the peak of God's grace in my life. God was the only One I had. I used to comfort my far-away family that God was my super-babysitter; He would make sure I would be alright.

When I was rewarded in the areas that I expected least, I had great joy. When I was declined return in the areas that I expected most, I had great frustration.

I remember in the middle school, I could correctly answer the difficult questions but fail the most basic one. My teacher frowned upon my performance. I couldn't understand that, either.  I wonder if God frowns upon me: darling, isn't it simple? Just believe that  I have THE BEST plan for you laid out already. Why are you so troubled?

I still remember the line from the novel I was reading while staying with my sister during my last year on the homeland. "Life is beautiful. None can guarantee it's gonna be easy, but it's beautiful." May my passion be tried; may I learn to rest in Him.