2006-05-10 03:22:5378J
Carpe Diem
I can hardly find out some exact words to describe what I feel right now. Sad? Upset? Depressed? Melancholic? Bombed? I don’t know if those adjectives listed above are enough. To sum up, it sucks...
Couple of years ago, my dad was suffering from live cancer and passed away six months after doctors’ prescription. My family, especially my mom, was bombed. We didn’t know how to respond to this overwhelming news. I didn’t know when but somehow I got over it, let go and managed to get my life going. While things are gradually getting back on track, I thought my wound had been healed. It just never really did, though.
From then on, I hate the idea of going to the hospital. I just hate it. I don’t wanna see that look on patients. Knowing there won’t be much time left, a look that shows how weak they are, how painful they are, how hopeless they are, how they wanna grab some more time to get along with their friends, their family, their beloved, how they wish to turn back the clock to cherish every moment, and the most terrible part, how they prefer just being dead to suffering. However they wish, the only thing they can do is accept and being through some treatment, taking some medicine that never really helps. Watching those who I care for dying, I can barely do anything about it. That sucks! Moreover, watching them suffer seems to suck out my energy and put me on the bottom of the deep, dark valley. I just wanna run as far as I can, away from that horrible feeling. However, I can run; I can never hide.
I’m being through what I wanna run away right now. I gotta deal with it all over again though I don’t want to. Damn!!
In the last few weeks, my grandpa was in the intensive care unit. He’s been suffering from diabetes more than 20 years. His condition just went from bad to worse lately. One day, diabetes triggering complication, he just couldn’t breathe by himself and that scared the shit hell of us. Even worse, watching him suffering is just dragging me to where I was with my father.
While I’m struggling, things that happened around me seem to push me further, making me falling into pieces. Last week, I learned that one of my friends, whose grandma just passed away. As soon as I heard this, my mind kind of blacked out, taking a long while to come to. Not over yet, just now, I learned that another friend of mine, whose grandpa took his last breath couple of weeks ago. All these taking place at the same time were quite hard to bear. I know I gotta live with it and try to move on. But I can do that only when my brain is functioning, trying to get those shitty feelings out of my head. However, since my thoughts are in a whirl and those things keep spinning in my head though I don’t want to, I have no choice but hang on there, waiting those miserable moments to pass.
I wish, right now, I had my special someone there for me. But I guess I’m just not that lucky. Another thing, if all these mean some test to me, they are coming too fucking soon!!!
Anyway, I will be fine...maybe not now...but I will. And I guess what I’m really trying to say behind all I’ve said above is that for those who I care for, hope you are doing just fine and cherish every moment, even every breath you take......
pic adapted from: www.giftmugs.com/sampler/various/Carpe-Diem.htm
Couple of years ago, my dad was suffering from live cancer and passed away six months after doctors’ prescription. My family, especially my mom, was bombed. We didn’t know how to respond to this overwhelming news. I didn’t know when but somehow I got over it, let go and managed to get my life going. While things are gradually getting back on track, I thought my wound had been healed. It just never really did, though.
From then on, I hate the idea of going to the hospital. I just hate it. I don’t wanna see that look on patients. Knowing there won’t be much time left, a look that shows how weak they are, how painful they are, how hopeless they are, how they wanna grab some more time to get along with their friends, their family, their beloved, how they wish to turn back the clock to cherish every moment, and the most terrible part, how they prefer just being dead to suffering. However they wish, the only thing they can do is accept and being through some treatment, taking some medicine that never really helps. Watching those who I care for dying, I can barely do anything about it. That sucks! Moreover, watching them suffer seems to suck out my energy and put me on the bottom of the deep, dark valley. I just wanna run as far as I can, away from that horrible feeling. However, I can run; I can never hide.
I’m being through what I wanna run away right now. I gotta deal with it all over again though I don’t want to. Damn!!
In the last few weeks, my grandpa was in the intensive care unit. He’s been suffering from diabetes more than 20 years. His condition just went from bad to worse lately. One day, diabetes triggering complication, he just couldn’t breathe by himself and that scared the shit hell of us. Even worse, watching him suffering is just dragging me to where I was with my father.
While I’m struggling, things that happened around me seem to push me further, making me falling into pieces. Last week, I learned that one of my friends, whose grandma just passed away. As soon as I heard this, my mind kind of blacked out, taking a long while to come to. Not over yet, just now, I learned that another friend of mine, whose grandpa took his last breath couple of weeks ago. All these taking place at the same time were quite hard to bear. I know I gotta live with it and try to move on. But I can do that only when my brain is functioning, trying to get those shitty feelings out of my head. However, since my thoughts are in a whirl and those things keep spinning in my head though I don’t want to, I have no choice but hang on there, waiting those miserable moments to pass.
I wish, right now, I had my special someone there for me. But I guess I’m just not that lucky. Another thing, if all these mean some test to me, they are coming too fucking soon!!!
Anyway, I will be fine...maybe not now...but I will. And I guess what I’m really trying to say behind all I’ve said above is that for those who I care for, hope you are doing just fine and cherish every moment, even every breath you take......
pic adapted from: www.giftmugs.com/sampler/various/Carpe-Diem.htm