2002-10-10 14:19:39Bombshell
What's the message the universe is sending us?
Dearest Alice:
I do hope you are feeling better with every day that passes. To be honest with you, my last e-mail was positive, but the reality is I suffer from the same inconsistent mood swings. One minute I'm happy, the next minute I feel really sad. In fact, just between me and you, there was a point when I wondered about the point of living. Fortunately, I realized my ex wasn’t worth such thoughts, and that I have people in my life, such as family and friends who love me, and I haven’t gone back to being THAT depressed. But yes, my job does keep me busy, but yet, my mood swings fuck up my life too. I can't concentrate all the time, and I too feel really demotivated at times.You know how I love the gym and working out right? It has always been one place of personal sanctity, where I clear my mind, free my thoughts, but nowadays I even think about what has happened in the gym, and find myself losing focus, feeling weak, and sometimes lost etc. I just look forward to the weekends when I meet my friends, go out clubbing, and try to meet other women to get my mind off my ex. This has been very difficult for me to handle, and unlike Sacramento I have no female friends such as yourself to talk to on the phone to help give me some insight. And unlike college, I don't get to see friends everyday, and like I said earlier, fun is restricted to the weekends. Maybe I'll call u one of these days.
As for sex, I always wanted to preserve it for marriage, or someone I knew I'd ultimately end up with. I thought Priya was the one, and she was my first. And now I feel like she has stolen it away from me. She was my first and I was her first, but the difference is she took something that meant something to me. Now I've become the opposite of you. I have no value for sex, and I have no objections of jumping into the sack with a woman (already have here). To be honest, I want to have a relationship again one day, I
want to get married again, but I fear I might treat the woman like shit after what has happened. I know I shouldn’t take it out on the next person in my life, but I'm worried how I will ever trust again. Maybe my "harsh destiny" makes me destined for a single life? Like you, I can't stop thinking about me and Priya, the good times, the memories, how I thought she was "the one," and it hurts so much-- I often wonder how the universe made such an outcome. We went from having a seemingly perfect relationship, to her believing she is possibly a lesbian. And I can't help blame myself either, no matter how much people tell me it wasn’t my fault. I keep thinking I did something wrong, and just
like you say such thoughts haunt you, they haunt me too. I am constantly wondering, thinking about what went wrong, and I really wonder how, and if I will ever get over this. But you for one should certainly not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. And if he did'nt want what you had to offer, then all I can say is you can do better. Some day there will be that someone who wants what you have to offer, so don't blame yourself for what happened. If he was really that perfect for YOU, then he wouldn’t have left you so abruptly right? Don't go around with the idea that there is ONE perfect person in this world, and now he's gone. I always thought that Priya was perfect, and now that we're not together, I can't accept what has happened, but I DO accept she is not perfect. In fact I have seen a multitude of reasons to back that. The hardest part is accepting that I felt I had come so far by finishing my degree, and having a well-planned life with someone I loved. Perhaps some of the difficulty comes in truly accepting that Priya was not perfect. I think at the back of my mind I still want to believe she is?! I don't know, because it is hard to explain our emotions or even why we can't explain them.
At the end of the day we must both move on though. It's hard, and surly it has to be if the other person meant anything to us. For four years I was always filled with happiness knowing I had Priya. Even when things were hard for me, or I was sad at times, I was always happy at the back of mind thinking how lucky I was to have her. Now its the opposite, most of the time I'm hurting, and sometimes I'm happy, having fun, but at the back of my mind I'm always unhappy, thinking how unlucky I am in this life.
Well sorry for writing all this negative stuff about myself. I tried to be positive in my last e-mail to lift your head up. Thing is I'm having a problem lifting my own head up! (Exclamation mark means you give yourself a little smile and laugh in your head)!
Peace
I do hope you are feeling better with every day that passes. To be honest with you, my last e-mail was positive, but the reality is I suffer from the same inconsistent mood swings. One minute I'm happy, the next minute I feel really sad. In fact, just between me and you, there was a point when I wondered about the point of living. Fortunately, I realized my ex wasn’t worth such thoughts, and that I have people in my life, such as family and friends who love me, and I haven’t gone back to being THAT depressed. But yes, my job does keep me busy, but yet, my mood swings fuck up my life too. I can't concentrate all the time, and I too feel really demotivated at times.You know how I love the gym and working out right? It has always been one place of personal sanctity, where I clear my mind, free my thoughts, but nowadays I even think about what has happened in the gym, and find myself losing focus, feeling weak, and sometimes lost etc. I just look forward to the weekends when I meet my friends, go out clubbing, and try to meet other women to get my mind off my ex. This has been very difficult for me to handle, and unlike Sacramento I have no female friends such as yourself to talk to on the phone to help give me some insight. And unlike college, I don't get to see friends everyday, and like I said earlier, fun is restricted to the weekends. Maybe I'll call u one of these days.
As for sex, I always wanted to preserve it for marriage, or someone I knew I'd ultimately end up with. I thought Priya was the one, and she was my first. And now I feel like she has stolen it away from me. She was my first and I was her first, but the difference is she took something that meant something to me. Now I've become the opposite of you. I have no value for sex, and I have no objections of jumping into the sack with a woman (already have here). To be honest, I want to have a relationship again one day, I
want to get married again, but I fear I might treat the woman like shit after what has happened. I know I shouldn’t take it out on the next person in my life, but I'm worried how I will ever trust again. Maybe my "harsh destiny" makes me destined for a single life? Like you, I can't stop thinking about me and Priya, the good times, the memories, how I thought she was "the one," and it hurts so much-- I often wonder how the universe made such an outcome. We went from having a seemingly perfect relationship, to her believing she is possibly a lesbian. And I can't help blame myself either, no matter how much people tell me it wasn’t my fault. I keep thinking I did something wrong, and just
like you say such thoughts haunt you, they haunt me too. I am constantly wondering, thinking about what went wrong, and I really wonder how, and if I will ever get over this. But you for one should certainly not blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. And if he did'nt want what you had to offer, then all I can say is you can do better. Some day there will be that someone who wants what you have to offer, so don't blame yourself for what happened. If he was really that perfect for YOU, then he wouldn’t have left you so abruptly right? Don't go around with the idea that there is ONE perfect person in this world, and now he's gone. I always thought that Priya was perfect, and now that we're not together, I can't accept what has happened, but I DO accept she is not perfect. In fact I have seen a multitude of reasons to back that. The hardest part is accepting that I felt I had come so far by finishing my degree, and having a well-planned life with someone I loved. Perhaps some of the difficulty comes in truly accepting that Priya was not perfect. I think at the back of my mind I still want to believe she is?! I don't know, because it is hard to explain our emotions or even why we can't explain them.
At the end of the day we must both move on though. It's hard, and surly it has to be if the other person meant anything to us. For four years I was always filled with happiness knowing I had Priya. Even when things were hard for me, or I was sad at times, I was always happy at the back of mind thinking how lucky I was to have her. Now its the opposite, most of the time I'm hurting, and sometimes I'm happy, having fun, but at the back of my mind I'm always unhappy, thinking how unlucky I am in this life.
Well sorry for writing all this negative stuff about myself. I tried to be positive in my last e-mail to lift your head up. Thing is I'm having a problem lifting my own head up! (Exclamation mark means you give yourself a little smile and laugh in your head)!
Peace