導讀：愛情專家告訴我們，男女之情是雙方身心的結合。已婚夫妻只有透過互相承諾，彼此謙讓，才能建立起真正的愛情。夫妻間可以無話不談，但「離婚」二字絕對屬於禁忌之列。

作為一個浪漫小說家，我總是創作出一些奇特動人、充滿幻想的作品。女主人翁美麗動人，男主人翁帶著些許傳奇色彩，故事情節則比實際生活誇張一些。

我的崇拜者有時把我當作研究愛情的「專家」，可我自己的子女從沒有像我諮詢過。我有時試圖想給他們一些忠告，他們倒向我翻起白眼來。在他們眼裡，我只不過是個媽媽而已？？一位思想太陳舊、行為太保守，無法跟得上他們這個時代步伐的媽媽。

然而，自從他們進入青春期，看見他們經常煞費苦心地尋覓自己的那位意中人，讓我多次徹夜難眠。我想要為他們做的事情太多太多，但卻力不從心。有時，我想像會有這樣的情形：羅比和喬安娜問我，「媽媽，我怎樣才能找到真愛？」我是這樣回答他們的：

第一，你們必須明白愛是發自內心和有思想內涵的。

愛並不取決於美貌、力量或是那些小說中的浪漫背景。儘管愛剛開始時也許令人如癡如醉，但愛往往由外表的吸引轉變為兩人之間最深層的心心相印，其間，雙方通常還要為對方做出某種犧牲。

愛對我來說是具體的：我是說你們的父親，羅伯特，和我結婚23年的丈夫。在你們看來，我們的婚姻十分平淡，如同香草冰淇淋，但它是我生命的核心，我們的愛只是愛情小說的序言。

你們的爸爸沒有安排過溫馨的晚餐或是二度蜜月，也沒有給我送過鮮花。他所做的事就是修好我的汽車，灌滿汽油，因此，我從沒有因汽車拋錨而發愁。你們的外婆要來我們家時，他會用吸塵器把地毯吸淨，這倒不是因為他在乎，而是因為他知道我在乎。我們老貓死了，羅伯特幫我將它埋葬，雖然你們的爸爸並不喜歡寵物。我哭的時候，他摟著我。在我傷心了幾個月之後，他鼓勵我再去領養一隻小貓。所以，請你們記住，真正的愛情－持久的愛情－常常偽裝得十分巧妙，很容易被人忽視。

第二，如果得到了全面的承諾，就應該知足。

我見過許多情侶在一起過著他們的「試婚」生活。這似乎很合邏輯，就像為了看看是否有吃蘋果的胃口去嚐橘子一樣。

我認識一個多年來不斷嚐橘子的人，他聲稱女人太耽於「自我」，難以和他們確定關係，但他已經認識到，僅僅透過一次試驗，沒有人能開啟她心靈深處的感情閘門。

一張結婚證書不可能解決你所有的問題，然而，如果你沒有拿到這張證書，要想結成二人同盟以與這個世界相抗衡－即結婚的終極目標，則是萬萬不能。

伴侶是你倚靠的支柱，是當你生活中受到挫折的時候仍然愛你的人。贏得這樣一個伴侶的唯一途徑就是增加信任，同時也努力使自己成為讓人信任的伴侶。

第三，傾心交談，儘量做到無話不談，除了離婚的話題之外。

我遇到你們的爸爸的時候，並不是一個健談的人。在我幼年時代，父親酗酒成性，我學會了在他身邊保持沉默，因為我知道這是我的最佳選擇，否則，善言也會被他誤解為惡語。而羅伯特卻堅決反對我保持沉默，這是我第一次感受到他的愛的力量。

我們發現，婚姻生活中應該只有一個忌諱的話題－離婚，有時只要提到這個詞就會埋下「可能」的禍根。

你們的父親和我也是很艱難地才認識到這一點。許多年以前，當時我倆還處在磨合期，我不知不覺地說出這樣一句話，「也許我們應該離婚。」，語氣顯得非常平靜。他回應說：「也許我們是該離婚。」

我們怎麼會弄到那種地步呢？只是因為生氣的時候輕易地提及那可惡的「離婚」二字（「如果我們的矛盾不能得到解決，那我們就得考慮離婚」），或是因為把離婚移入討論的主題（「如果我們離婚的話…」）

那天我們坦承地面對離婚的抉擇，我們並沒有對彼此發洩怒氣，可我們已漸漸地讓離婚成為我們在思想上應該認真考慮的一個選擇，我們當即達成一項協定，從今以後，在我們倆人之間，誰也不准提及「離婚」這個詞，十七年來我們沒敢破壞這個協定。

第四，一切為對方著想。

結婚並不意味著你們只是簡單地膠合在一起，愛的美妙之處便是既能讓對方有自己的空間，又能將雙方結合在一起。記住，並非你參加的所有的活動，結交的所有朋友以及個人的所有喜好都和你的伴侶一樣。

當你們的父親重返校園去攻讀教育學位時，這就意味著一切從零開始，可我希望他能充分發揮其潛能。當我決定棄醫從文時，他給我以鼓勵。

愛一個人並不表示你們的目標總是相同的，可是，一旦你想要得到什麼，你的伴侶也為你祈禱。

第五，一次只能有一個人發狂。

生活中很少有平坦的大道。你生氣了，你的伴侶感到困惑。你們兩人中誰都可能成為極端可惡的人，但你們千萬不能兩人同時發狂，你們中的一個必須保持常人的理智。

這裡首先要提醒你們的是：有時，這種瘋狂的襲擊會持續很長的時間，數日，幾個星期，甚至幾個月。

我所經歷的時間持續較長的一次是在20世紀70年代，當時我開始閱讀回歸大自然之類的文學作品，我喋喋不休地談論著那些我並沒有融會貫通的關於自然美與現代文明的醜陋的理論，直到你們的爸爸同意搬到一塊3英畝地的農場去。在那裡，我買了100隻小雞，兩隻小豬仔和一些花種草籽－我開始了解到一些事實真相，諸如糞肥和化肥之間的關係，如何灌溉和清除雜草，還有餵養動物和屠宰動物之間的平衡等。後來，當我提議我們搬回城裡時，你們的爸爸才如釋重負地點了點頭。

現在回想起來我們都覺得可笑，雖然還發生了一些其他並不可笑的事情，但都經歷了時間的考驗。有些事情是因我而引起的，另一些則是由他造成的。無論如何只要你開始感受到委屈，你要想到這回該輪到你了。因此，早些學會婚姻生活中最重要的兩句話：「對不起」和「我原諒你」。

我們有一位朋友，如果她的丈夫忘了他們的結婚周年紀念或是他們初次見面的紀念日，她就撅著嘴，滿臉不高興，她丈夫為了安撫她，大約每個月帶她出去吃一頓豐盛的晚餐，但相反地他陪她的時間卻越來越少了。他們被廣告實袋充斥的虛假所誘惑，上演了一場表面愛情戲，他們的婚姻變成了毫無實際內容的空殼。

真實的東西含有愛的成分，可它並不總是富於魅力或是容易得到的。當你生病後，愛人會攙扶你進浴室：愛允許在諸如有關墮胎和槍枝管理等嚴肅問題方面保留個人的看法：當你盛怒之下走出家門，愛人會尾隨在後大聲地叫喊：「你不能離開我！我愛你，無論你到哪兒，我都將跟隨著你。」

羅比和喬安娜，在我無法入睡的時候，我默默地為你們祝福，祝福你們都有這樣的時刻：當你們抬頭仰望並發現有人在注視著你們，好像你們是一支蠟燭－好像你們是這個黑暗世界上僅有的光明。

那丁 柯倫蕭

How to Find True Love

As a writer of romance novels, I createexotic fantasies. My heroines are beautiful, my heroes gilded with a touch ofthe legendary, my plots larger than life.

Fans sometimes think of me as an “expert”on love, but my children never ask my advice. When I try to give it anyway,they roll their eyes. To them, I’m just Mom-too impossibly old-fashioned andordinary to understand the winds of their times.

Since they have reached their teens,however, their often painful searches for that special someone have left mesleepless many a night. There are so many things I am utterly powerless toprovide. Sometimes I imagine a little scene. Robby and Johanna ask me, “Mom,how doe I find true love?” Here is what I say:

1.     Understand that love is a stateof mind and heart. It is not dependent on beauty, physical strength or theromantic settings I use in my books. Though it may begin with infatuation, itmoves from physical attraction in a golden curve, often involving sacrifice, tothe deepest bond between two people.

Love for me is specific: I speak of your father, Robert, my husbandof 23 years. To you our marriage is as plain as vanilla ice cream, but it isthe core of my life. Ours is the kind of love to which romance novels are justa prelude.

Your dad doesn’t arrange intimate dinners or second honeymoons. Hedoesn’t bring me flowers. What he does is keep my car repaired and full of gasso I’ll never be stranded. He vacuums the carpet when your grandmother is coming-notbecause he cares, but because he knows I care. Though your dad is not a petperson, when our old cat died, Robert buried him for me. He held me while Iwept. After I’d mourned for several months, he encouraged me to adopt a kitten.So remember, true romance-the enduring kind-often comes so cleverly disguisedit’s easy to overlook.

2.     Settle for nothing less thantotal commitment. I’ve seen couples live together in a “trial marriage.” Thatseems as logical as biting into an orange to see if you have an appetite for anapple.

I know a man whohas bitten one orange after another for years. He claims women are too “intothemselves” to commit to a relationship, but he’s got it backward. No one canopen up the depths of her heart to a mere experiment.

   A marriagecertificate won’t solve all your problems, but until you have the guarantee ofone, you can’t begin the struggle to forget yourselves into one unit againstthe world-the ultimate goal.

A mate is the post you lean on, the personwho, when you’ve really screwed up, loves you anyway. The only way to get thatkind of mate is to make the dreadful leap of trust and be that kind of mate.

3. Talk about everything-except divorce. Iwas not a talker when I met your dad. In my childhood, I’d learned that it wasbest to remain silent around my alcoholic father, who could twist any statementinto a weapon. But Robert stubbornly refused to accept my silence. It was myfirst intimation of the strength of his love.

There is only one subject, we discovered,that should be taboo in a marriage: The mere mention of this word brings itinto the realm of possibility.

Your father and I learned this the hardway. During a trying period years ago, I found myself calmly saying, “Maybe weshould get a divorce.” He answered, “Maybe we should .”

How did we get to that point? Simply bymentioning the ugly “D” word in times of anger (“if we can’t work things out wemight have to consider divorce”) and by slipping it sideways into discussions(“If we ever got a divorce…”).

The day we frankly confronted the divorceoption, we were not terribly angry with each other, but we had gradually letdivorce become a real choice in our thinking. We made a pact, then and there,never again to mention the word “divorce” in association with us. We haven’tdared break that pact in 17 years.

4.     Want the best for each other. Beingmarried doesn’t mean that you are glued together. One of the wonderful thingsabout love is that it binds without crippling. Remember, not all youractivities, friends or enthusiasms will be the same as your mate’s.

When your father went back to college forhis teaching degree, it meant starting over, but I wanted him to fulfill hispotential. When I decided to abandon paramedical training and become a writer,he encouraged me.

Loving someone doesn’t mean your goals arealways identical. But if you want something, then your mate wants it for youtoo.

5.     Only one person can be crazy ata time. Life is seldom a smooth highway of cooperation. You get angry. Yourmate becomes obsessed. Either one of you can become totally obnoxious. But youcan’t both go wild at the same time. One of you has to stay in adult mode.

Please be forewarned: sometimes theseattacks of craziness last a long while. Days. Weeks. Months.

One of my more prolonged bouts came in the1970s when I started reading back-to-the land literature. I spouted undigestedtheories about the beauty of nature versus the ugliness of modern civilizationuntil-your dad agreed to move to a three-acre farm. I bought a hundred chicks,two piglets and seeds for a garden-and commenced to learn a few realities, suchas the relationship between manure and flies, between irrigation and weeds,between nurturing animals and arranging for their butchering. When I suggestedwe move back to town, your father nodded his head in stalwart relief.

We laugh about it now, through otherincidents even time hasn’t made funny. Some of them wear my name, some wearhis. Whenever you’re feeling martyred, remember, your turn will come. So learnearly two of the most important sentences in marriage: “I’m sorry” and “You’reforgiven.”

An acquaintance of ours pouts if herhusband forgets their weeding anniversary or the anniversary of the day theymet. He appeases her by taking her out to a showy dinner every month or so-butotherwise he spends as little time with her as he can. They have fallen into asurface display of romance, perpetrated by the myths of an advertising age. Itis a glossy shell that has little to do with the real thing.

The real thing has to do with love. And itisn’t always glamorous-or easy. Love helps you get to the bathroom when you’resick. Love agrees to disagree on serious subjects like abortion and guncontrol. When you walk out the door in a rage, love trails after you, shouting,“You can’t get away from me! I love you, and I’ll follow you wherever you go!”

And so in my sleepless hours, Robby andJohanna, I wish for you that moment when you look up and find someone watchingyou as if you were a candle-as if you were the only light in a world ofdarkness.   

Nadine Crenshaw