It hasn’t be so cold in Los Angeles. A day passed by with either my running nose or nosal congestion. Busy work and church routines worn me out. Physical weakness makes me moody and desires more. Oh, Lord, save me and don’t let me fall. There is none Xmas party for the company this year since we just had the company retreat last October. That was a surprise for me - a good one. I do not have to worry about whether I should fill the RSVP form with a guest listed while everyone else either brings his or her spouse or siblings. I do not have anyone. Not a significant one. It has been my 4th year working for the company. That was just a shame (I think). One day at the church, a guest speaker from OC told us that a single person who has decided to follow Jesus for his or her entire life is precious and honorable. God has chosen them as they are the most beautiful roses therefore He has took their lifes and souls as offerings. Once a while, I thought maybe I was that chosen rose especially after the YSMP. But I realize I am not the one. I am a sinner wity jealousy all the time, for the beauty others have, for the success and wonderful marriages other have. I strive to keep my work and life balance. I have received the bonus check this year. A big check for me for sure, but I was not as joyful as I thought I would be. If I am called to be a missionary with the wakeup call, I will go for it. But I am not 100% sure about where I am going from here. My way is not clear to me. I am appreciated for what i was given and blessed. But none of those fullfilled my heart. None is worthy. I see my sin, but I cannot forsake it. That worries me. This is a truly frozen Xmas. I do not want to walk on the beach without any company.