I’ve stepped into the abyss, and struggle to find my way back.
It’s not that I don’t know the way, or I can’t rationally work out a path, the reason is worse - I don’t want to.
I don’t want to get back to the rhythm of the every day life.
I don’t want to stop imagining.
I don’t want to stop dreaming of a better way of existing.
I don’t want to stop feeling the romance, the desperation, the depression.
I don’t want to let go of grimace, and pretend everything has meaning, and life is worth living.

I know perfectly well I will have a better life doing that, trying to find happiness.
But I know my joy lies within my very dark, sad, forlorn thoughts.
In those thoughts reflect the loneliness that I feel, no matter how I’m surrounded by people.

From tomorrow onwards, there shall be two of me.
One to survive and work and socialize.
One to create and write and express.
They don’t need to reflect each other.
They don’t need to conflict on purpose.
They can co exist.
They can just, be.

I want to just, be.