2006-05-09 16:32:48思慕微微
50個要長相廝守必須問的問題 N01-2
最近在書店上發現了這本小書,101個必須在訂婚前問的問題.
我看了, 哇的倒抽一口涼氣,真是一些很棒的問題啊！
雖然作者在每個問題下加了自己的註解與判斷,有時失之主觀.
但問題仍是好問題.非常值得正在關係中伴侶看一看詢問自己與對方.
在我看來戀愛是戀愛,是很任性無組織的,如要長相廝守則需要深度的瞭解與磨合而這本書正提出了許多非常好的問題.切中婚姻或其他長遠關係中,價值衝突種種可能.
這本書提出了關係裡最根本的問題：
你夠瞭解你的他嗎？
所以我去除了中西文化差異, 挑了其中五十個問題,
每天敲幾個問題出來並說說自己的想法跟大家共享.
並特邀特別來賓不定期加入討論.
現誠徵所有已婚未婚享受兩人世界的傢伙跟我們說說你的看法吧！
別吝嗇分享你的甜蜜咒語！否則會被我們妒恨到死啊！
N01.
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? what have you done to address these concerns?
（作者在問題下註解）
Fears are normal but are they realistic? Where did they originate? There could be good causes for them or just imagined ones. Has your partner ever talked to someone about these fears to gain insight and put them to rest? If not, encouranging them to do so would be a positive step. It’s better for them to identify and face them now than for you to hear your wedding night.
我自己的回答：
我最大的恐懼是「自我的價值感」因婚姻而磨滅.大概看過上一代太多為了婚姻而犧牲自我, 付出所有卻被丈夫視為理所當然的賢妻良母.消逝在婚姻黑洞裡,屍骨無存只剩下好太太好媽媽的皮影.
是的,我最恐懼男人結婚後露出「既得利益者」的真面目,當男友時的溫柔體貼不見了,只剩下以「丈夫」的優越位置,理所當然要求妻子成為賢妻良母.
是的,這是我最大恐懼.
第二個恐懼是背叛.欺騙 出賣.不只在婚姻裡
在各種關係裡各種形式扭曲摧毀原有的信任基礎.都讓我覺得很恐懼.
在愛情關係中我寧可你先跟我說 你不愛我了也不希望有天發現你跟另個人耳鬢廝磨,情話綿綿.
No2
If you were to marry, in what way would you maintain a healthy ”interdependence” What would you depend on each other for and what would you take responsibility for ?
Perhaps you have never considered this part of marriage. We does just mean you lose your individuality. There will be both a togetherness and a seperateness. You need to discuss who does what for whom and what one does for oneself. Boundaries do exist in marriage. It is like a property line. It distinguishes what is your emotional and personal property line. If someone crosses the line, you feel violated. Boundaries define and protect you. (If this concept is new to you , you may want to check out Boudaries in Dating by Dr. Henry and Dr. John Townsend)
出乎我自己的意料之外,我居然是個很黏人的情人.哈 我一直以為我是很獨立....結果竟發現自己做什麼事都跟情人在一起.逛街超級市場舉凡可以黏在一起的機會都不放過.一天他沒打電話來會抓狂!!好啦！ 最近獨立度回升..可以一個人去逛街逛超級市場.....大概回到自己一個人去看電影的獨立度喔.
關於Healthy interdependence 是個很需要深思來定義的關係.
我想兩人有坦承互信的關係又有其獨立的社交圈. 應該是很不錯的吧.
我想unhealthy interdependence是婚姻最後只剩下現實利益的結合
離不開對方所以不得不如怨偶般掛在一起.
我看了, 哇的倒抽一口涼氣,真是一些很棒的問題啊！
雖然作者在每個問題下加了自己的註解與判斷,有時失之主觀.
但問題仍是好問題.非常值得正在關係中伴侶看一看詢問自己與對方.
在我看來戀愛是戀愛,是很任性無組織的,如要長相廝守則需要深度的瞭解與磨合而這本書正提出了許多非常好的問題.切中婚姻或其他長遠關係中,價值衝突種種可能.
這本書提出了關係裡最根本的問題：
你夠瞭解你的他嗎？
所以我去除了中西文化差異, 挑了其中五十個問題,
每天敲幾個問題出來並說說自己的想法跟大家共享.
並特邀特別來賓不定期加入討論.
現誠徵所有已婚未婚享受兩人世界的傢伙跟我們說說你的看法吧！
別吝嗇分享你的甜蜜咒語！否則會被我們妒恨到死啊！
N01.
What is your greatest fear or concern about being married? what have you done to address these concerns?
（作者在問題下註解）
Fears are normal but are they realistic? Where did they originate? There could be good causes for them or just imagined ones. Has your partner ever talked to someone about these fears to gain insight and put them to rest? If not, encouranging them to do so would be a positive step. It’s better for them to identify and face them now than for you to hear your wedding night.
我自己的回答：
我最大的恐懼是「自我的價值感」因婚姻而磨滅.大概看過上一代太多為了婚姻而犧牲自我, 付出所有卻被丈夫視為理所當然的賢妻良母.消逝在婚姻黑洞裡,屍骨無存只剩下好太太好媽媽的皮影.
是的,我最恐懼男人結婚後露出「既得利益者」的真面目,當男友時的溫柔體貼不見了,只剩下以「丈夫」的優越位置,理所當然要求妻子成為賢妻良母.
是的,這是我最大恐懼.
第二個恐懼是背叛.欺騙 出賣.不只在婚姻裡
在各種關係裡各種形式扭曲摧毀原有的信任基礎.都讓我覺得很恐懼.
在愛情關係中我寧可你先跟我說 你不愛我了也不希望有天發現你跟另個人耳鬢廝磨,情話綿綿.
No2
If you were to marry, in what way would you maintain a healthy ”interdependence” What would you depend on each other for and what would you take responsibility for ?
Perhaps you have never considered this part of marriage. We does just mean you lose your individuality. There will be both a togetherness and a seperateness. You need to discuss who does what for whom and what one does for oneself. Boundaries do exist in marriage. It is like a property line. It distinguishes what is your emotional and personal property line. If someone crosses the line, you feel violated. Boundaries define and protect you. (If this concept is new to you , you may want to check out Boudaries in Dating by Dr. Henry and Dr. John Townsend)
出乎我自己的意料之外,我居然是個很黏人的情人.哈 我一直以為我是很獨立....結果竟發現自己做什麼事都跟情人在一起.逛街超級市場舉凡可以黏在一起的機會都不放過.一天他沒打電話來會抓狂!!好啦！ 最近獨立度回升..可以一個人去逛街逛超級市場.....大概回到自己一個人去看電影的獨立度喔.
關於Healthy interdependence 是個很需要深思來定義的關係.
我想兩人有坦承互信的關係又有其獨立的社交圈. 應該是很不錯的吧.
我想unhealthy interdependence是婚姻最後只剩下現實利益的結合
離不開對方所以不得不如怨偶般掛在一起.
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