2010-04-18 03:58:14燕子
拔刀
我再度讓自己跟 David 的意識與能量連結，
身體像是在燒一樣，燒掉濃霧瀰漫的意識障礙物，燒掉能量身體無數的破洞，燒掉憂鬱悲傷孤寂...
同時，我注意到自己的掙扎，
他不會知道也不會懂，我透過這樣為他承擔業障的方式，用自己的意識之光清除著，
我的掙扎是：我很想擁有他，但我明白這執著只會製造更多的業，
我很想被他認同，像是小孩，被父母讚同，這樣，我就存在了、就被看見了。
我很想擁有，擁有自己的男人，擁有自己的房子、自己的家，
不覺間，我其實再度被自己脆弱依賴的需求控制，
我漸漸理不清自己是關心他、愛他，或者是因為想要有伴、有家，才放不下。
昨天去跳舞，現場的性能量極為高漲，我只停留了一個小時，
David 的注意力明顯地被那性能量拉著，
跳舞時，我看到他的意念與幻想，也看到他的生理反應，
在我們坐下談話時，他問我為何不嘗試穿高跟鞋，說那樣比較好看，
我看見他注意力的移轉，卻也忍不住生氣，
我生氣他沒有守住情感連結，
我生氣他細膩而無意的批判，
可是，我知道他也是男人，
當我不開心地離去時，我被捲入一種「沒有家、沒有依靠」的悲傷裡，
那悲傷無助的濃度好重，
在夜裡開一個半小時車的我，
感覺也在自己意識的深夜森林裡，
獨行了好久。
星期四晚上帶的團體，
對我影響很大，
那天團體雖然連我只有四個人，
整個匯聚的能量很大，
在場的人，三個靜心者都在極度清明的狀態，
因為是那樣長時間地「合一」，
我想星期五，也就是隔天，
被拉起的黑暗也特別深重，好些極為熟悉的題材，
昨夜那悲傷無助行過之後，
今晨醒來是巨大的憤怒，
能量質的轉變成生命力量了，
我看見自己半抽出日本武士刀，
要砍掉一切無明、無知。
以往的我，被這悲傷無助困住時，
通常會寫信給 Loren ，或者可能會寫給正在約會有情感依靠的男性對象，
我昨晚確實有這衝動，但上天沒有給我墮落沈迷的機會，
我得專注開車，試著不昏沉睡著，同時感受著強大的不適..
中間我忍不住撥電話到 David 家，那時快十一點了，他還沒回家，還在跳舞吧！
我知道，如果我能夠覺知地走過這些熟悉的困境，
我就能把這些東西清掉、轉化成為生命力量。
努力守著，握著武士的刀，
砍掉無明、無知。
註：照片是網路上抓的，希望自己很快可以重回武士刀的練習裡。
附：（今天寫給 David 的信）
Like walking through a dark forest alone, I keep vigil for myself in the midst of hopelessness, depression, anger, loneliness. . .
It's already hard to differentiate what comes from you and what from me.
The heightened sexual energy is probably from you; anger is from myself. The loneliness from you; the feeling of homelessness and hopelessness from myself.
I do not have the option to "opt out" ..
I can't afford to not feel the tenderness toward and care for you, in order to not feel the pain.
I can't afford to numb myself by dating others, in order to not feel the loneliness.
I know .. if I choose to be weak-minded now, I won't be able to offer a clear mind, an open heart for people who come to me for help.
I don't have the option to compartmentalize my feelings, to not accept the suffering, because they are all part of being alive..
Only by drinking the poison myself and survive it will I know the medicine, the cure for loneliness, depression, hopelessness . .
God knows that I want a home of my own, to feel safe and nourished, to not have to hide in my room at the time of sadness.
God knows that I want a man of my own, to care for and to be spoiled, to not hesitate to call for help when needed.
It hurts. Still so fresh and sharp.
The pain humbles me. I feel like a giant warrior trying to stand, to root deeply into the earth, when the mudflows and landslides are flushing away many living things . .
Then I remembered ... It is this choice to stay strong and true to oneself when the pain is unbearable that makes one a hero.
Then I realized ... Your choice to keep your personal life simple and somehow sacrificed allows you to stand strong for your employees, your company.
And my choice to experience the multifaceted flavors of life, to taste the sufferings of many others keeps my heart open, vulnerable, and sensitive for my work..
Bear with me with the writing. I have been walking in the dark forest since last night.
I want to truly go through it, instead of repeating the suffering and entanglement week after week.
Writing you eases the pain temporarily and makes clear my thoughts..