星期五早上，接到同學電話說有個印度來的靈性導師這一天在給予祝福，我換了衣服，到了教堂 （是的，是教堂，這個教堂對不同的宗教信仰都很接納，除了一般教堂活動外，也定期舉辦佛教、印度教方面的活動），安安靜靜地坐了下來。

那一天，我許了五個願望，希望小貓趕快健康起來、今年順利完成論文並開始工作、靈修上繼續回到「天人合一」的狀態、開心地通過合氣道晉級考試，還有最後一項，我猶豫了一陣，決定請求上天賜與一個有愛心的男人成為我的終身伴侶。

這些願望似乎被回應著，有時我會感覺到… 光是去把願望寫出來的過程，對我就是很好的理清。又，星期六收到Andrew的信，問我去旅行的事情，他和我在兩年前見過三次面，對我來說，他是我遇過最有錢的男人（他幾家網路交友公司控制的網路流量是match.com的兩倍，之前是開著保時捷休旅車來接我的），也是我遇過最聰明的人，他的臉蛋ok，不是我特別喜歡的典型，但身材有法國血統的高挑健美，與他第一次見面之後，我的心輪被能量衝開，那時走了一個很深的過程；他本身是個善良純真的人，但在商場上太久，他認識世界很直覺的一個架構就是商業價值的思考，我對他的道德感等部分不大清楚，不確定是否已被玷污…

這是我「看見」他的方式，好像他不是一個真正存在的人，只是被這些條件定義的一個角色，相對應我自己窮不拉機的留學生生活，我不免注意到那個隱隱希望透過與他交往來解決我經濟難題的心理陷阱。這是我的兩大恐懼吧！怕自己因為他的背景顯赫，而沒去看見真正的他；也怕自己因為對將來未知的恐懼，而有依賴他的危險心思。可同時，在他這幾天的兩封信裡，我看見他的脆弱，幾個月前離開他一手創立的公司的他，想要找回純真的自己，想要找回自己原本的靈魂，他的渴望說得直接透徹，而我能給予的究竟是什麼？

我同時也在想，放假一個星期之後，明天要回聖荷西的一所高中去陪那幾個高中生，多走了將近十五年人生的我，把心力放在心理治療、靈性成長上的我，對這些摸索中的孩子們，能給予的究竟是什麼？

剛剛讀到奇蹟課程裡的一首詩，回應了我的思考，很長的一首詩，每個段落都點醒了什麼。因為詩很長，我沒有花時間翻譯，若你想要讀中文版，請跟我說，我可以把詩翻譯出來。

標題：Teaching and Learning (教導與學習)

Listen silently
and learn the truth of what you really want.
No more than this will you be asked to learn.

There is no need to learn through pain
And gentle lessons are acquired joyously
and are remembered gladly.
What gives you happiness you want to learn
and not forget.

On your learning
depends the welfare of the world.

Everyone teaches,
and teaches all the time.
This is a responsibility you inevitably assume
the moment you accept any premise at all,
and no one can organize his life
without some though system.
Once you have developed a thought system
of any kind,
you live by it and teach it.

The question is not whether you will teach,
for in that there is no choice.
The purpose of the course might be said
to provide you with a means of choosing
what you want to teach
on the basis of what you want to learn.

The course emphasizes that
to teach is to learn,
so that teacher and learner are the same.
It also emphasizes that teaching is a constant process.

Teaching and learning
are your greatest strength now,
because they enable you to change your mind
and help others to change theirs.

Remember always that what you believe
you will teach.

“As you teach so will you learn.”
If that is true, and it is true indeed,
do not forget that what you teach
is teaching you.

What you teach you strengthen in yourself
because you are sharing it.

You will not see the light,
until you offer it to all your brothers.
As they take it from your hands,
so will you recognize it as your own.

Any situation must be to you
a chance to teach others what you are,
and what they are to you.
No more than that, but also never less.

Teach no one that he is
what you would not want to be.
Your brother is the mirror
in which you see the image of yourself.

Everything you teach you are learning.
Teach only love, and learn that love is yours
and you are love.

Teach only love,
for that is what you are.

所以，我真正想要的是什麼？若這是我今生唯一的功課，就是去瞭解自己想要的是什麼、去瞭解自己的本質，並且在這學習的過程裡，也透遞出這些特質，我真正想要的是什麼呢？我想要成為一個什麼樣的人？

我想要成為慈悲、溫柔的光，回映相遇的人內在美好的本質，我勇敢安靜地停留在每個片刻，允許自己被這漸漸盈照開的光轉化，我停留在當下，允許自己被照亮、被轉化... (待續）