2005-09-01 18:55:21夢幻自由
Marriage,Not Children, Is a Family’s Center-by John Rosemon
A good article that I wanna share with you athlought I am just have ten years old girl. I have had strongly feeling in recently for something happen arround. Don’t know what is right or wrong, it will be knowing if you have any kid or be a parent. Good luck! Every Mom and Dad.--Sonia
Marriage, Not Children, Is a Family’s Center
Children growing up in America today will face a big problem when they become adults, says family psychologist John Rosemond. "Many, if not most of them-even those growing up in two-parent homes-are not developing a functional sense of what is truly meant by ‘marriage’ and, therefore, ‘family,’’ Rosemond says.
Today’s will-intentioned parents rarely act from within the roles of husband and wife. Rather, they act almost exclusively from within the roles of mother and father. The new American ideal of family is based in large part on the mistaken notion that the more attention you give to your children-the more you do for them-the better parent you are.
The natural order
In the past, American children grew up in families where the marriage, irrespective of its imperfections, occupied center stage. The mother was a housewife, not a stay-at-home mom in perpetual orbit around her kids, Even if she worked outside the home, she did not arrive home bearing a load of guilt, which she attempted to discharge by focusing exclusively on her children throughout the evening until they finally consented to go to bed.
Likewise the father, when he came home from work, did not romp with his children all evening, ‘re-bonding’ with them. He came home looking forward to spending a quiet evening with his wife, his intended partner for life.
After dinner, Mom and Dad retired to coffee and conversation in the living room, and the kids found things of their own to do (including their homework, which they did on their own as well). There were exceptions to this general rule, of course, but the husband-wife relationship was markedly stronger than the parent-child relationship.
The husband-wife relationship should always trump that of parent and child. Nothing makes a child feel more insecure than the feeling that his parent’ relationship is shaky, that is might come undone at any moment. Conversely, nothing makes a child feel more secure than knowing his parents’ relationship, while not perfect, is strong enough to endure any hardship or disagreement.
Children grow up to leave home
The primacy of the husband-wife relationship permits a child to begin preparing for his future life. The fact that he is not vital to his parents’ well-being-that Mom and Dad’s well-being is contained within their marriage relationship-gives him full, unfettered permission to leave and venture out into a life of his won. A child’s leaving home should be cause for celebration-exciting and full of promise.
When the parent-child relationship is foremost, however, separation is difficult. Sometimes, the child is able to leave physically, but not emotionally. At other times, the leaving is like a painful “divorce”, and it is difficult for any of the parties involved to ever fully recover.
The greatest gift parents can give an adult child is not a new car or condominium, but the security of knowing that he can always come home again-not to live, but to visit. The family’s center is intact in Dad an Mom’s marriage.
Sometimes, our adult children tell my wife and me how “lucky” they are to know that we will always be together. It’s actually a slip of the tongue, because they know that luck has nothing to do with it. It is simply a matter of keeping the natural order of things in their natural order.
Marriage, Not Children, Is a Family’s Center
Children growing up in America today will face a big problem when they become adults, says family psychologist John Rosemond. "Many, if not most of them-even those growing up in two-parent homes-are not developing a functional sense of what is truly meant by ‘marriage’ and, therefore, ‘family,’’ Rosemond says.
Today’s will-intentioned parents rarely act from within the roles of husband and wife. Rather, they act almost exclusively from within the roles of mother and father. The new American ideal of family is based in large part on the mistaken notion that the more attention you give to your children-the more you do for them-the better parent you are.
The natural order
In the past, American children grew up in families where the marriage, irrespective of its imperfections, occupied center stage. The mother was a housewife, not a stay-at-home mom in perpetual orbit around her kids, Even if she worked outside the home, she did not arrive home bearing a load of guilt, which she attempted to discharge by focusing exclusively on her children throughout the evening until they finally consented to go to bed.
Likewise the father, when he came home from work, did not romp with his children all evening, ‘re-bonding’ with them. He came home looking forward to spending a quiet evening with his wife, his intended partner for life.
After dinner, Mom and Dad retired to coffee and conversation in the living room, and the kids found things of their own to do (including their homework, which they did on their own as well). There were exceptions to this general rule, of course, but the husband-wife relationship was markedly stronger than the parent-child relationship.
The husband-wife relationship should always trump that of parent and child. Nothing makes a child feel more insecure than the feeling that his parent’ relationship is shaky, that is might come undone at any moment. Conversely, nothing makes a child feel more secure than knowing his parents’ relationship, while not perfect, is strong enough to endure any hardship or disagreement.
Children grow up to leave home
The primacy of the husband-wife relationship permits a child to begin preparing for his future life. The fact that he is not vital to his parents’ well-being-that Mom and Dad’s well-being is contained within their marriage relationship-gives him full, unfettered permission to leave and venture out into a life of his won. A child’s leaving home should be cause for celebration-exciting and full of promise.
When the parent-child relationship is foremost, however, separation is difficult. Sometimes, the child is able to leave physically, but not emotionally. At other times, the leaving is like a painful “divorce”, and it is difficult for any of the parties involved to ever fully recover.
The greatest gift parents can give an adult child is not a new car or condominium, but the security of knowing that he can always come home again-not to live, but to visit. The family’s center is intact in Dad an Mom’s marriage.
Sometimes, our adult children tell my wife and me how “lucky” they are to know that we will always be together. It’s actually a slip of the tongue, because they know that luck has nothing to do with it. It is simply a matter of keeping the natural order of things in their natural order.