I’m rapt in memorizing vocabularies these days. This is something interesting to talk about. After one year of supposedly free from school works, serious anxiety is undergone. While I don’t think I get any remarkable progress or inspiration, one that is deemed most important, I don’t access the freedom hungered when my spirit is warded off inside the ”academic prison”, a term used to accout for my high-frequent objurgation of that field.
What is worth of notifying, though, is not ”academic prison” but the verb ”warded off” instead. ”Ward” often connotates the image of prison, yet officially it is more about custody, about a guard that stands for your interest, though it might not be an interest that you can decide. Somebody in ward cannot take control by himself/herself. Someone in ward is officially under protection, yet is very likely to be unhappy. And that is exactly me when I’m in academy, which strongly wards me off the nihility of the essence of life, offers a playground for my brain to run to exercise, to ensure that I’m a thinking animal, not only a walking one. I was a passive thinker, though. Abstrust statements moves in like well-trained soilders, armed and churlish, distribute seeds in my passive and meager mind, and see it’s growing up with smile. The seeds grow up into a mazy forest, where I both love and hate. Just like you both love and hate the city you reside. There you get both inconvenience, but also you life being set up. I’m unhappy, but I’m nourished. I’m warded off. I’m under protection. Only I don’t know that until now.
When restriction exists no more, the idea of freedom rarefies. It is like when the idea of direction is gone, saying you’re lost is a lie. For me getting away academy is the same kind of business. By decrying the opaque thoughts, I grasp my direction so easily. With the ”freedom” in hand, where the happiness come from when you’ve no inferior restricted something or someone to compare? to look down upon? I then come to understand the ”ward” means to me, only I still cannot figure out should I miss it? appreciate it? try to reget it? try to get a new map with new sets of directions?
To get back, memorizing these liveless vocabularies starts to fabricate new roads. Living here is easier than that forest, though I know it is a tentative dwelling. In other words, I’m in search of a new warden ’cause I’m a prisoner too long.