ja, rite, relationship makes you think, makes you reflect on yourself intensively.

in the past two years, i havent been emotionally fluctuated, as i didnt find anyone interesting enough to cause my attention. so i led a quite peaceful life, not bothered by emotions, infatuations, affections, whatever-tions  AT ALL. 

I thought i had been grown up, i thought I knew how to control the emotions, how to express my true feelings, i thought i could handle things in a mature manner. But until i encountered with him, I found myself so changeable, so "donot know what to do, what to say", totally in a position "手足无措" in chinese. that quasi-mature manner is just because i has been so 'cold' to others and donot care if they love me or not. I am just holding the pose like "no matter you like or not, it is JUST me." By saying this, i am actually sure about their LOVE.  I just choose the way I like it to be, ignore things which donot fit my senario.

but to him, i am so uncertain. I am so afraid he doesnot like me at all, i am so afraid he is just been nice to me for the time we spent together. But i know I should believe what he said, he has some feelings but less than what i have for him, I should believe he doesnot communicate in such a way with me as with others. I know i should not deny his feeling so completely. maybe not that much, but not "not at all".

people love me for unexplainable reason, i love people for unexplainable reason. but when you love someone so much, you want the return. You want the return, thus you try all out to do the things with the hope that he might like. think too much about him and what you can get.

these days, when i get up, I still feel a lot of regrets, which i donot dare to make up for it. the date we are supposed to meet is getting closer and closer. i hope i will get through all these.

 only time matters, emotions fade out.