Over and over, I desired his entry into my lust, my empty soul, and perhaps my faint hope that when that day finally came, I was able to tell him that I truly cared about him, that he was not just a shadow of someone I used to love so dearly. I have given in to the pangs of my darkest longing for somebody, and I am afraid I will never regain my consciousness again. As I parted my self for him, I could almost remember how I used to be a true captive of some passionate love affair, with a man that could only be my friend in this lifetime. I have not changed a bit, it is the reality that hit me so hard that I can no longer afford any kind of harms done to my fragile heart. Yet, a dark monster has established itself inside what was so innocent and perfect. He came, unleashed the creature. I have never asked how he felt about this physical closeness with me, as our sexual encounter feels so divinely magical, almost sinfully familiar to the sultry nights I shared with my former lover, or perhaps husband. As I stroke through his hair, touched his delicately pale and soft skin, I wanted to tell him I loved him, the words are just about to burst, yet I let them remain mumbled. Perhaps I had come to know the price of love, and how heavy it felt on my frail shoulders. He felt amazingly surreal inside me, climax after climax, I almost felt the ecstatic pleasure manifesting itself in the body that is now conquered by this brave yet sacrificing soldier of love. As he was ready to draw the curtains of this ceremony, he has told me to turn around. He entered my realm from behind as my legs tightly closed themselves, only to find the kind of excitement that was never experienced with another. He was the demon and angel, and I was the sinner. He wants my heart, yet I have already burnt it and sent the ashes away to a better place. I love you, Becker, I do, I want to yell out and tell you to never leave me. But who am I to tell you that? If I had told you such, would I lose my freedom and you at the same time? This madness will eventually settle, I promise, my love. I promise.