happy to see myself making effort for the benefit of myself and others. No doubt that I was moving forward. I thought that how I was a very shy person and now I am not shy and am able to have little confidence in myself. But all people around me trying to say I am really bad person and doesn't want to deal with me. but it doesn't matter, as I told myself all the time, if I try hard enough, even though people might still think that stupid is stupid, no matter how much.... but it does matter cause to me, I am one step closer to being a wise person.
I was really upset today, UPSET cause people I care about didn't think I was good enough for them. how sad it is that really makes me think about walking off sidewalk and hoping some car may hit me. I can understand how Leslie Cheung felt when he jumped off. All of a sudden, the goals you are chasing after doesn't matter to you anymore, it is just how I am to the ones that I care. If I am no longer good to them, that means I am no longer good for myself either. The only thing that keeps me away from doing harm to myself is myself. I can't let other think who I am. I need to protect myself. Also, there must be, who knows, someone who knows my value and would like to give me a chance. Why should I give up so soon? Also, the fact is, the people I cared may act that certain way because they are tired or what. They don't necessary dislike me. May be they need their own time by themselves or with other people.
Well, the fact is people continue to be disappointed in me. and frankly, I don't know how to deal with it and that makes me want to find a hole to hide again.