2010-03-07 17:18:19Dominick
My "Bucket list"
I watched the movie on HBO " The bucket list" by Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. This film gave me some inspirations of seeing the value of life in a different inspection. There are lots of movies that I want to watch include this one. Unfortunately, I been busy on all the work. Entertainment for me equal to wasting time before. But after I knew that I got sick, my life been changed. Most of them are negative and passive. Maybe because I was in the stage of "denial" just like they said in the movie while they were leaving the hospital on the way to star a whole new adventure. Slow down and thinking over are biggest change right now. I don't rush and push myself and others like I used to. There are so many things out there I never try and done before than hard working. And there are so many places in this world I want to visit as well. I used to think that I still have enough time to do whenever. But right now I knew this may not be possible.
Beside from "denial", most of time I can experience "anger", bargaining", and "depression" all of them in a day or even in just few minutes. But I have to admit that I never really experience "acceptance" so far. I cannot tell anyone this true. I curse the guy got me sick. I beg the God to let me live. Then I cry on what I got. The complicated emotions like a vicious cycle is just on and on every day driving me crazy. Only jogging can temporally get me out of this thought. But I still cannot embrace what I got. It's hard to face the fear of death. No one does. I am no others, just a flesh and blood human being.
I spend more time with my family and friends recently even though they don't know I am sick. I was used to isolate myself when I need to stay focus on my work. But now I try to listen more and more even though I have nothing to say. I go outdoor more than before. I need more distractions to release me from bad thought. I don't wat to die alone. And I really want to make all my dream come true before I die. But first of all, I need to make a bucket list of what I want to do. Then I can do as much as I can and die without regret.