Having a child without blessing is like a big deal in the old time. Even nowadays in the morden Taipei, people still look at them differently. Although it seems not like before as thousands sin. I cannot imaging to be a single parent and how hard to raise a kid by yourself. However, having HIV maybe just like having a kid without blessing in this society. People treat it as a monster, a sin, a punishment from God. But things happen beyond our control sometimes or even all the time. How does want this kinda of tragedy ruin one's life? But why people cannot tolerate it once happen to someone else? Ethic and humanity issues can be so closed but against each other. 

  I reinforce to myself I am not telling this pain to others. No matter who is. I am bring it to my grave. But in other way around, I am responsible to it for getting away from all the temptations. A single mother can decide want to bring this un-blessing life to this world or raise by herself or give away. Once I could decide to protect myself from getting infected, but I chose not. So I meant to carry this with me forever like a single mother raising a un-blessing kid. Although life for disease and life for joy are different entities in the bottle line. 

   I was weak and fragile in feelings and sex. I usually could not insist enough to refuse people's request. That's how I got this wrong. No one can tell how badly other people behave. But the only one we can control is ourself's behavior. From now on, even earlier since this wrong happened, I am free and single. And I will keep this going on until my day come. Beside from protecting myself to get second time damage, I don't want this passing on to anyone from me. Hopefully the mistake already made by me but stop from here. I know it's difficult and impossible. But I have high expectation to myself, I want to make this right this time through the end. 20 years perhaps or even more are like a harsh challenge. I will do my best to work it out. Maybe one day, if I can make it that long enough, I wish I can see the day come with the cure and people change the thought about this disease. And I hope I will be part of contribution in the dream come true.