1） My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.

2） Hi. This is John. If you are the phone company, I have already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

3) Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

4) Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets

5) Hello, this is Sally's microwave. Her answering machine just eloped with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her calls. Say, if you want anything cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone.

6) Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

7) Hi. I am probably home. I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.