Okay, I knew it's going to happen
cuz it happens every single time

The thing is that, everytime that I'm single, then I usually become moody easily which I really don't know the reason why.

for example, like now, though I'm not actually really breaking up with my boyfriend officially, but since i stop and try so hard not to text him that i love him and miss him, then i become upset sometimes.

Actually, i really don't like this kinds of feeling, becasue it's always a distraction and I don't like the feeling that I felt low about myself and the feeling that I'm upset but without the particular reasons.

I hate myself that can't feel 100% confidence while I'm out of a relationship. However, what's irony is that, when I stayed in a relationship too long, it always make me feel chocked and kind of lost of my energy and start to want my freedom back.

The big problem is that, when I have a relationship, though I felt safe, but once I found something or someone against my life principle (freedom) then I start wanting to jump out of it. But it seems like everytime right after I jumped out of the relationship and get the freedom that I want, then I kind of start to wish somebody can accompany me.

Isn't it wierd? Maybe it will make me harder to find the right one:))

moreover, i have to remind myself again and again, don't promise my boyfriend that I will be back and things like that, and I have to learn to be independent woman like I always suggest myself as.

Be strong, be cool, be smily, and sexyyyyyy. 

by the way, i have to say that, actually, there's another turning point about this breaking up, which is a guy from Mongolian.

I have to admit that, when I first met him, I did think he's cute and adorable; however, I love my boyfriend too much to care other guys in the world. Plus, the guy (we just call him B below) is kind of shy and not a talkative person, so we actually didn't get a lot of chance to talk to each other.

and, just around the time that i'm thinking about our future (me and my boyfriend), that will it really work if we keep going like this? talk to each other with pointless topic and the love sentences without truly sincere, will that work? 

also, he said that he didn't want me to go abroad without him, which is actually kind of selfish, however, i didn't blame him and nt even mad at him, becasue who's not selfish? everyone, including and especially me, is selfish too. so i couldn't balme him too much. but i really can't imagine my future life would be fun and exciting as what I expect it to be if I still with him.

cuz he doesn't allow me to go anywhere without him, but what if he doesn't what to go anywhere in the future? is that mean that i can't go anywhere too? for example, wheile we're still couple in college, sometimes i want to go to buy my own dinner (when he didn't feel like to go out) but he didn't want to go and didn't allow me to go by myself either, which is kind of wordless situation. 

and if i insisted to go, then he will get his clothes on reluctantly, and still murmur a lot that how bad that he didn't want to go, but the point is he didn't "allow" me to go by myself. as a result, i can imagine that what's going to happen in the future if i marry him, if he didn't feel like to go abroad, and he won't allow me to go by myself too, that's the future that I hate to witness.

okay, back to the story between B and I. B went out with me and my another mongolian roomate, Z. At first, i didn't expect to go out with them because i didn't actually really familiar with them. i just wanted to go to down town and got myself some delicious food and came back by shuttle bus again at night. 
 
and i knew that Z and B were going to use the entertainment card (a card that you paid 15 us dollars first, then you can go free to anything on the list )together and i knew that they were close to each other becasue they are the only two mongolian that stayed in our workplace. 

at first, even the second while i'm sitting on shuttle bus, i still didn't change my mind about that i'm going by myself. because i heard that they may want to try sommething exciting on the list(such as roller coaster), but i just went home from work that day, and i didn't really feel like to do something will make myself even more tired.

and then, we met 2 guys, one from Bulgaria and the other from Porland, and i know them too. Z asked them that whether they want to go to use entertainment card together, and i'm thinking that, okay, whatever, maybe i should just go with them because it's always precious to go out with other international students here since everytime i got my day off on the day that people didn't have thier day off on that day.

and then , so Z,B, two guys and I go together. we tried the go karts and ghost house.
I was having fun to hang out with them.

and surprisingly, B started to talk to me first, which is really shocking becasue he never talk to me first and usually play it cool and indifferent. I didn't think too much at that time and i had a good talk with him at that day.

while we're chatting, i knew that he also always having day off on Wednesday tooooo, which make me soooo exciting (just becasue he's the first one that i know that always have the same day off as mine since I have been here

and that day is Tuesday, and i have planed to go to Madison with other Taiwanese girls together, and so I ask him without thinking that would he like to come with us tomorrow to Madison? (i was just asking without expecting any positive answer)

Nevertheless, he said yes!! and still, because i'm tired at that time, so even i'm a little bit suprised but not feeling too much, so i told him the gathering time and assure him that not to worry too much that he didn't know a lot of people in the group, becasue i don't know a lot of them too, so i said that if he didn't know whom to talk, he can talk to me :)

and then, so we went to Madison together. at first, i still didn't feel too much about him, i just trying to make sure he's not bored at us since he's the only human being who's not close to anyone and who doesn't speak Chinese at all.

so i tried so hard, tried to talk to him in English, kept him from being silent and alone. so we two went everywhere together except the shopping mall hahah becasue i want to buy some clothes but i don't want to bored him

and during the trip, i heard somebody said that we look like a pair of couple. and we do, actually. We always stick to each other and will wait for each other. we usually keep a distance from other girls (for me, it's because i actually don't know them well; for him, i guess it's the same reason and plus he's shy and his english is not that fluent)and we take selfie together (the first one is me who first ask him, because i want to share and record the happinss to go to Madison, and since I'm not close to others, so i grab him to take selfie together. but i didn't expect the secon one.

that's while we're sitting in a luxurious room together, and the tour guide explaining the history about the room and capitol. then B seems like that room so much, but for some reasons(B said that it's because his phone is bad afterward), he said to me suddenly that "we should take a picture together"

i don't know his reasons why, at that time, i though maybe he didn't want to use his cell phone  but he wants to take pictures with the room, but it's wierd and embrassed to ask someone to take photos alone with other's cell phone and didn't ask the owner of cell phone to take photos together

no matter the reasons why, he asked to take selfie together, we looks so good together in the same photos, and he's smile is so adorable (which i found it afterwards), at the time we had photos together, i though that it's kinda suck hahaha, because it's blurry (only me) hahaha, he's clear, but he didn't wait for me!!!

okay, whatever, so we took a lot of selfie together, we bought lunch together, we ordered ice cream together (we order seperately, but standed in line together) and i though that some stranger misunderstood that we're couple too, because they asked that do we need the help to take the photo together :))  though at the end, the chinese couple took the photos with everybody. 

and then, when we went to Asian market, though we seperated, but he seemed too bored or because i'm the only one that he's familair with, so he fallowed me while i'm trying to buy something, and he discussed what he bought and what he thought with me

and we finished our shooping first, but he said that he wanted to wait outside, so i accompany him to wait outside. and he sat on the meadow, so am I, besides him

and then he suggested to see the lake beside the road, so I come with him, some of other girls come together too.

and we met the chio chiang(chinese) , but also the same reason, becasue i'm not close with girls and i donn't know how to take pictures with good pose and whatever, and so i watched them for a while, and kept going to the lake, and i felt like B wanted to wait for them, so i kept going without turning back, so i kept walking to enjoy the loliness and beautiful views in front of me

then while i'm still walking, i heard the foot steps , so i turned around and found him, i told hime that becasue i though that he's not coming, so i didn't wait for him

he said that he just wanted to ask those girls that whether they're taking pictures or recording video

and then he walked past me and sat on a blench, so i followed him
we do look like couples at that time, cuz the view is so beautiful and it seems like the whole world only left two of us

and the ducks seem to like the ideas that we have been sitten together, they went up to land toward us

and i heard  there's one Taiwanese girl said it behind our back that we look like a couple and seem to fall in love with each other.

B didn't understand chinese, so he said nothing, and i pretended that i didn't hear it

and when we went to mall together, i got a chicken sample from a stand, and then i want to take one for him, but he's too shy to take one, so i bite one of my sample and then asked him whether he wanted to try one bite, and he did, and i finished the last bite

and while we kept walking, he said that there's somthing around my face, i though it's the chicken stuck in my teeth, so tried to get it out, but didn't find it, while i'm still trying, 


he reached his hand to my lips and took the chicken crisp away from my lips
he reached his hand to my lips and took the chicken crisp away from my lips
he reached his hand to my lips and took the chicken crisp away from my lips

at that moment, i just said "ohh, thank you" and then start to feel embrassed
and i didn't know that maybe that's one of the moment that i started to feel something for him

and then when we back to our work place by taxi, we have deal that we should go out together next time and things like that, and then i told him that i bought a hat, and he looked surprised and happy

but it's dark outside, so i said we can check it up when we back to up stairs of our dorm, and then he put the hat on me

he put the hat on me
he put the hat on me
he put the hat on me

i don't know why, but i felt warm at that time, feel good :))

and then i asked that what did he think anout the hat, and he said it looked good on me

he said it looked good on me
he said it looked good on me
he said it looked good on me

and then i let him try the hat, he seems very happy
and he put the hat on me several times

and i showed him what i bought, and he said it's good with his adorable smile

and i don't know why, i start to feel different for him since that night

 B, do you like me? if not, why do those things to me?

 by the way, that's the turning point for me that whether shoudl i break up with my boyfriend, it's not because i want to get together with B, B and I will go back to our country even less than a month

and the reason why i started to think is that, if i can feel something from others, that must mean that there's something really wrong withme and my boyfriend, becasue when i really love him, no one and nothing can distract me

so i start to think about it seriously, what makes us change?

also, i have to say that, the feeling that i felt from B is not as strong as the time i felt different with my boyfriend and ex, so i just kind of have crash on B, but i know it's super strong kind of feeling


no matter what's going to be in the future, no matter B is or not my temporary crash, he kind of help me to think about the relationship with my bf, so that's the beginning of B and the end of my story with my boyfriend 


and i felt better, after i type all of them out