2017-04-16 03:21:35...小陶...
Crossroads in life
So, as I have said before,
I am turning 30 this year...
The big 30...
and perhaps this is the reason why I am reminising so much the past few months...
It is scary to think perhaps I am already at the half-way point in my life.
No, I don't think this is a mid-life crisis.
Just a period of self-reflect and perhaps in computer terms "defragment and optomise".
I am trying to stay positive because quite frankly,
I feel rather fortunate.
I have no big worries nor big gaps of lacking.
I also thankfully have no big misfortune.
It's strange how one have to do a process of elimination in order to feel okay.
I, for one, am guilty of that.
After a while, I tend to forget how fortunate and how blessed I am.
Then I put myself in this downward spiral where I need to be knocked by a brick to remember again.
Stupid, yes.
It's not uncommon though.
We live in an age where it's actually rather peaceful compared to the previous eras.
Yes, there are of cos those unfortunate countries within this world that are still in war day and night.
But here where I am, apart from political issues and govenmental stupidity,
it is considered a rather stable and peaceful place.
There are petty crimes and the usual tragedies happening, of cos.
But I don't live in a constant fear of war, starvation or illness outbreak daily.
Either that, or I am truly blessed with being totally oblivious.
Which don't be surprised, doesn't come as a surprise to me.
I don't read the news, I avoid all detailed news reports on social media, I barely pay attention to the hourly news on the radio to and from work, I chose to ignore the news headlines hung up on the side of the road, I excuse myself from current news discussion between colleagues.
No, I am not trying to isolate myself.
Nor am I that ignorant to think that there is really world peace.
It's just that I get unsettled very quickly.
I can paranoid way too much.
And one way to keep myself content and sane, is to work with the amount of news I can handle.
Strange to you, but not strange to me.
I stuggle with seeing the bigger picture when it comes to news.
I struggle to understand the messiness in this world didn't happen just as reported on the various news channels.
I struggle to feel safe even though the violence reported is in another part of the world.
I also struggle to keep up with all the news then feel as if I am drowning because I can't keep up.
so, in conclusion, I don't watch, listen or pay attention to news.
I got toally side-tracked really.
This is not the reason for this post.
This is not the cross-road I was referring to.
I am at a stage in my life where I am considering whether I am heading in the right direction.
I need to ask myself, perhaps for the last time, whether I am doing the right thing.
Yes, it might be ture that it's never too late to change, but I don't want to start all over again, again.
So, I am asking myself, by and by, whether I am really doing something I love and whether I am happy with where I am in life.
It's not really such an easy question anymore.
When I last asked myself this question in my mid-20's,
it was much simpler time.
And here's the reasons why:
- I was not married then
- my dad was younger then
- my future was easy, either I want it or I don't
Being married for almost 2 years now, things change.
I need to base my decisions on the future of my family.
and by the term 'my family', I no longer refer to my dad and brother.
I mean my husband and I.
This, is a big change.
Things immediately become a whole different level.
An example would be, if I wanted to work overseas or just go travel previously, it was a simple decision.
If I can afford it and if I could reason with myself with it, then go for it.
Now, to want to travel oversea, nevermind work there, is a big thing which needs to be discussed with my husband, planned and planned and more mapping out.
So yes, it's not as simple.
And I know as a fact that my husband and I want our family to grow,
we want children and we want dogs.
We are moving to our own house.
These are all added on responsibilities.
Responsibilities which can't be put aside just like you are leaving desert in the fridge to come back to later on.
I left retail 3 years ago to work in regulatory affairs.
Still the best decision in my life, seriously.
I am so much happier where I am now then where I was then.
Salary cut, worth it.
You honestly need to lose some to gain better.
I don't know though.
Am I happy staying in ZA?
Am I happy with not even trying to work oversea?
Am I ready to do what I am doing...
Quite frankly, no one knows exactly what is going on in my life.
Not even my husband knows just how much I am going through with juggling work, marriage, studies, TTC and self.
Before it was just myself, work and family.
Now I am like a circus freak, trying so hard to keep myself from drowning.
Not to say that it's bad,
because it's not bad at all.
I like my work, I enjoy work.
I am in a happy marriage, I am lucky to be married to my best friend.
I am so thrilled to be pursing my Masters, I am totally proud.
I am glad to be doing something about ttc, I am just thankful I am doing something.
I am not in a bad place, I am content with myself.
Just with everything together, it gets a bit much at times.
So perhaps to call it a crossroad is a bit harsh.
I don't really have big decisions to make.
It's just to understand whether I am still on-track, with myself.
Strange as it may sound, sometimes, I feel completely lost.
Lost at life, lost in life.
Am I the only one?
Don't think so.
But perhaps I am one of those scarce souls that thinks way too much, for her own good.
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