消失沒有寫作的這些日子，我都在忙些什麼？忙到...一直以來，和朋友聯繫，同時紀錄自己生活的這個小園地，竟然荒草蔓延...！放任「部落格」荒草蔓延，在完全沒有登入和回應的念頭下，朋友那頭，捎來了關切簡訊。我將文字讀進眼裡，想要的回應，默默的沈入心底。進一步，是未接來電上，顯示朋友的名字。

這些日子以來，其實，我如同以往。沒有好或不好，開心或不開心。一個人生活、吃飯，持續上班、下班、運動。只是好像沒有了寫作的感覺，或回應朋友關心的力量。好像燃燒的火焰，突然熄滅了。其實，我似乎感覺到...對於「自己」，我正在尋找、歸納、統整、分析...所有林林總總，關於自己這些日子以來的生活、工作、朋友關係、感情、家人...所有的一切。我想...搞清楚，自己想要什麼。是不是每個人，都曾有過類似的經驗呢？

還是，怎麼會...一個讓人感覺還算精準的人，會在過了30歲，還搞飛機...讓人摸不清頭緒？這部分的原因，且讓我保有躲避的空間...我應當還在「迴歸」程式的運算中，讓自己的心，去感受及一步步驗證。至於...會不會有結果，要多久？是否能找出線性迴歸的基調，可能不是我現在能告知的答案。或許以前，我只急著想要「作自己」，但現在我更想「清楚作自己」。

很久，沒有再進戲院看電影。那天，在高雄出完差，夢時代空盪的座椅裡，我窩進角落，看了一部喜劇 The Ugly Truth。上演前，「美味關係」的預告片裡，Merryl Streep所扮演的角色和講話的腔調，吸引了我的想像空間。回到台北，等著電影上映。坦白說，周六晚間，步出戲院，西門電影街上，我沒有感受到劇情的美味。倒是Merryl Streep的演技，精準到一個可怕。那晚MSN上，我告訴另一位關心我的朋友...差不多是該重新開始，記錄自己生活的時候了。似乎...我有了開始的能量。

接著，我開始「放任」自己的假日排程。在盡量不擔心工作進度的狀況下，看著電影台裡...似乎不可錯過的佳片。從慾望城市、27件禮服的秘密、不能說的，秘密、巴比倫密碼、殺手47、沙龍特務、穿著Prada的惡魔...不管看過或沒看過。當然，也持續的在健身房裡打Combat，揮汗喊聲的同時，我加重了Pump的上課次數，及開始在週四晚上的大安店，上Balance。加重Pump和Balance的主因是，課程的有氧教練是Sophie。

Sophie是我在離開台北前，就一直跟課的教練。離開台北、再重回台北...她沒有忘記我。只是...三四年間，我如同失蹤，不再出現在她的課。直到有一天，她在捷運出口，輕拍了我的肩膀，在我轉身時，給了我一個微笑。我也漸漸喜歡上...深夜前，Balance課程中，最後放空冥想時，內心微妙的感受。除了有氧課程之外，我開始也加了胸推和腹部的重量訓練。關於有氧課，我還做了一個更大的挑戰，讓自己去嘗試...只是，現在這個嘗試，還不能夠告訴你！

我開始在面對人群時，多些微笑。似乎...這樣的選擇，讓我得到更多正向的回饋。我嘗試著放慢心，走進東區書局。抱起幾本書，坐進牆角翻閱。看到朋友在工作的夾縫中，還不忘報名巨匠進修電腦繪圖。我想著自己的工作專業，還能有些什麼？週日的夜晚，街頭人潮湧嚷。前方的百貨週年慶，打得火熱。不一會，天空飄起不算小的雨絲。似乎還有好多事，還沒想、也需要想...！就這樣，我在街角和今年第一株Christmas tree 相遇。我開心的笑了出來，看著對街的樹....Merry Christmas!  冬天來了！

Katy Perry的 Hot and Cold...是電影 The Ugly Truth的主題曲，也是近來 Combat常打的high歌之一。雖然部分歌詞有些OOXX，不過形容得倒是很精準到位！呵呵~~ Take a look!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yY3CehyfUko

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah you, PMS
Like a bitch
I would know

And you
Over-think
Always speak
Cryptically

I should know
That you're no good for me

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You!
You don't really want to stay, no
You!
But you don't really want to go-oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

We used to be
Just like twins
So in sync
The same energy
Now's a dead battery

Used to laugh (used to laugh)
Bout nothing (bout nothing)
Now your plain (now your plain)
Boring (boring)

I should know (I should know)
you're not gonna change (change)

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You!
You don't really want to stay, no (woah)
You!
But you don't really want to go-oh (ohhh)

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no (no!)
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down (you're down!)

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bi-polar
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get it off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down

You're wrong when it's right (When it's right)
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up (We make up)

You're hot then you're cold (Ohhhhhhhhhhhh)
You're yes then you're no
You're in and you're out (Oh!)
You're up and you're down (Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh)

You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white (Oh!)
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You!
You don't really want to stay, no (woah)
You!
But you don't really want to go-oh (ohhh)

You're hot then you're cold (Cold)
You're yes then you're no (No)
You're in and you're out
You're up and you're down (Dooooown)

寫在自己生日的當天...給自己，也謝謝現在正在關心我的你以及妳！