2002-12-03 22:13:03幸田實果子

月夜

「舉頭望明月,低頭思故鄉。」月亮美妙之處,是能夠讓人以為地域界限不存在,不論身在何地,只要仰天望見月亮,那麼遠的距離,頓時變得那麼近。
仁很喜歡望月,他愛望月的程度令他異於常人。一般男人在歡愉過後,往往都會呼呼入睡,他卻愛走到窗前,享受銀光輕輕瀉在其身軀上的溫柔。在這個晚上,仁跟悅交歡後,不管悅的身體有多嫵媚,他依舊被銀光感召過去。仁倚在窗台上,仰望銀光,若有所思。當他回望正躺在床上熟睡著的悅,發現銀光照在悅雪白的軀體上,銀光令她看似通了電的燈泡,但沒有燈泡那般剌眼,她的身體只是發出溫柔的銀光。剎那間,一股莫名的感動湧上仁的心頭,驅使他立刻上前緊緊摟著悅。那一刻,他覺得很實在,並感到很滿足;然而,仁在同時候覺得他摟著的身體很陌生。這樣複雜的感覺一直縈繞著仁。
* * *
新月夜
電腦傳來一聲「哦噢!」,代表有ICQ訊息給仁。是一個叫DIANA的網友給仁傳來訊息。仁在網上的綽號是MCLUNA。
仁第一次跟DIANA聊天,仁從她的ICQ資料檔得知她365歲,來自月球村十七座2015室。這樣天馬行空的ICQ資料檔,在虛擬世界中是見怪不怪的,所以仁沒有在意這些資料的真確性。
DIANA: HI
MCLUNA: HI
DIANA: WHAT’S THE MEANING OF YOUR NICK NAME?
MCLUNA: SON OF THE MOON
DIANA: SO STRANGE, I LIVE ON THE MOON VILLAGE BUT I NEVER
HEARD OF YOU
MCLUNA: COZ I WAS LEFT ON THE EARTH AFTER I WAS BORN
DIANA: THAT MEANS YOU ARE AN ORPHAN
MCLUNA: U CAN SAY SO
DIANA: THEN DO YOU WANT TO MEET YOUR MOM, I MEAN THE MOON
MCLUNA: I MEET HER EVERY NIGHT, LOOKING AT THE SKY
DIANA: I MEAN YOU SHOULD HAVE A VISIT TO THE MOON.
BY THE WAY, YOU CAN PLAY A VISIT TO ME.
MCLUNA: THAT SOUNDS GOOD. BUT I DONNO HOW TO GET TO THE MOON. WHY DON’T YOU PLAY A VISIT TO THE EARTH AND LEAD ME TO THE MOON?
這樣天馬行空的對話,在虛擬世界裡是見平常事。
隔了二十分鍾,仁都等不到彼方的回應。在ICQ的在界裡,中斷對話完全不需要任何的交代,而且跟你對話的人跟你可能只是平水相逢,談話過一次後,就不相往來了。仁遇過很多像DIANA這樣一聲不響就一斷對話的網友,不過仁覺得DIANA特別有趣;因為一般看網友大多都很直接問對方有沒有戀人,然後就問對方索取電話號碼之類,完全沒有單純地聊天的耐性。不過, DIANA令仁有特別深刻的印象, 或許是她跟月球扯上點關係,令人很感好奇吧!
***
娥媚月
仁再次在ICQ中遇到DIANA,這一次他主動跟她說話
MCLUNA: HOW ARE U?
DIANA: NICE TO MEET YOU
MCLUNA: WHAT IS THE FEELING LIVING ON THE MOON?
DIANA: IT’S VERY COLD HERE. IT SEEMS LIKE A DESERTED PLACE. AND I LIKE THE SUN SHINING ON THE MOON. THE SUN MAKES ME FEEL WARM.
BUT I CAN SEE A BEATIFUL EARTH HERE.
HOW ABOUT U? HOW’S THE FEELING LIVING ON SUCH A BEAUTIFUL PLANET?
MCLUNA: I THINK THE GREATEST THING OF LIVING ON THE EARTH IS THAT I CAN WATCH THE MOON EVERY NIGHT. THAT’S THE GREATEST SATISFACTION.
DIANA: I DON’T SEE ANY SPECIAL ABOUT THE MOON BUT I LOVE THE EARTH
MCLUNA: NEITHER DO I SEE ANY SPECIAL ABOUT THE EARTH BUT I LOVE THE MOON.
DIANA: IT SEEMS WE LOVE THE PLACE WE EACH OTHER LIVIMG ON
MCLUNA: MAYBE WE LOVE DISTANCE OBJECTS. I AM TOO CLOSE TO THE EARTH SO I DON’T SEE ANY BEATY OF THE EARTH
DIANA: THAT’S WHY I LOVE THE EARTH NOT THE MOON, HAHA.
仁在這一刻若有所思,DIANA的說話令他想到跟悅的關係,令他反思跟悅日漸疏遠的關係。仁跟悅走在一起已經三年了,但感覺上像走在一起不止三年了。雖然親友都視他們為天造地切的一對,但仁日漸感到他跟悅有著無以名狀的問題。他跟悅的戀愛生活也沒有什麼問題,他們會定時約會,而且他們已經有親密的關係,連他們都覺得這樣的戀愛關係很穩定。不過,他們走在一起的日子越久,他們的話就越少。因為他們都很習慣對方,很多時不用說出口,對方都會知道自己的心意,他們都覺得大家很明白對方,亦因為這樣,令他們覺得對方很適合自己。可是,漸漸地,他們習慣了無聲勝有聲。
DIANA: ARE YOU STILL HERE?
MCLUNA: YUP, I AM SORRY. I AM THINKING ABOUT MY GF
DIANA: OH IC. HOW’S UR GF?
MCLUNA: WELL, IT’S HARD TO DESCRIBE. SHE IS SMALL AND HER SKIN IS VERY WHITE AND SHINES LIKE THE MOON LIGHT. DO YOU HAVE A BF?
DIANA: OIC. YUP, I HAVE ONE. BUT WE ARE NOT GOING WELL RECENTLY..
MCLUNA: HAVING ARGUE?
DIANA: NO, I PREFER HAVING ARGUMENT WITH HIM. IT SEEMS WE ARE “SILENT ALL THESE YEARS” !
MCLUNA: “SILENT ALL THESE YEARS”? I LOVE THIS SONG VERY MUCH! IT SEEMS YOU ARE VERY FAMILIAR WITH THE MUSIC FROM THE EARTH! I AM JUST KIDDING. HAHA! I ALSO THINK REMAINING SILENT WITH BELOVED IS A TORMENT
DIANA: YOU HAVE NOT MUCH TO SAY WITH UR GF? I CAN’T FIGURE OUT WHAT MY BF IS THINKING ABOUT NOW. I LOST TRACK WITH HIM. CAN U TELL ME WHY BOYS ALWAYS REMAIN SILENT ONCE THEY GET USED TO THEIR GF?
MCLUNA: MAYBE BOYS ARE SHY TO EXPRESS THEMSELVES!
DIANA: I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW WHAT BOYS ARE THINKING ABOUT. I DUNNO WHY THEY TELL SO LITTLE ABOUT THEIR INNER MOST FEELING…EVEN TO THEIR BELOVED ONE! BOYS ALSO SELDOM CONCERN GIRLS’ FEELING. IT SEEMS LIKE I AM ALONE. I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT MY BELOVED ONE AND HE DOESN’T KNOW ME WELL. THIS MAKES ME WONDER HOW MUCH HE LOVES ME.
MCLUNA: AND BOYS DUNNO HOW TO TELL. BTW, GIRLS ALWAYS THINK TOO MUCH. IT’S A VISCIOUS CYCLE. WHEN BOYS FEEL PRESURE FROM GIRLS, THEY WOULD TURN TO ESCAPE BUT GIRLS WOULD PRESS HARDER. BTW, MY GF SEEMS NOT VERY HAPPY RECENTLY. I AM VERY DEPRESSED THOUGH SHE THINKS I DON’T CARE ABOUT HER.
DIANA: MAYBE WE ARE IN THE SIMILAR SITUATION. U ARE SPEAKING FOR THE BOY WHILE I AM SPEAKING FOR THE GIRL. IF WE CAN COMMUNICATE WITH OUR BELOVED LIKE WE DO NOW, I THINK OUR PROBLEM CAN BE SETTLED.
跟DIANA聊天,令仁感到抒懷,像重拾一種失落了很久的感覺,這是一種舒服自然的感覺,從前悅也曾給他這樣的感覺,故此他不由自己的比較起這種感覺起來。
自此以後,仁每個晚上都在跟DIANA ICQ。他覺得跟DIANA說心底話比跟悅訴心聲更容易。因為他在跟DIANA的言談間,慢慢了解對方,亦建立了一份默契,像是久別相逢的知己。另一方面,仁跟悅的關係更趨平淡,而悅開始表現出不滿。但悅的不滿更加令仁感到不知所措,這樣一來,仁更加逃避面對悅。
***
滿月夜
DIANA: MY DEAR FRIEND! I AM DESPERATELY SAD RECENTLY. MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BF GETS WORSER. HE SEEMS EVEN NOT WILLING TO HAVE LITTLE TALK WITH ME. I FEEL SO LONELY. IT WOULD BE SO GREAT IF HE CAN OPEN HIS HEART TO ME AS YOU DO.
MCLUNA: I FEEL SORRY FOR YOU. I AM NOT GETTING WELL WITH MY GF EITHER. I STILL LOVE HER BUT IT SEEMS THERE IS A LARGE GLASS WALL BETWEEN US. I KNOW SHE IS UNHAPPY BUT I DUNNO WHAT I CAN DO. IT WOULD BE SO GREAT IF I CAN TALK TO HER IN THE SAME WAY AS I TALK TO YOU.
MCLUNA: WE ENCOUNTER THE SAME PROBLEM WITH OUR BELOVED. WE DON’T HAVE MUCH COMMUNICATION WITH OUR BELOVED.
DIANA: U ARE RIGHT. HOW CAN WE BREAK THE BARRIER?
MCLUNA: I DONNO.
DIANA: IF U ARE A FRIEND OF MY BF, U CAN BE A MESSENGER FOR ME TO TELL HIM WHAT’S MY FEELING NOW. I AM VERY UNHAPPY AND LONELY.
MCLUNA: I ALSO HOPE U CAN BE A MESSENGER FOR ME TO COUNCEL MY GF. I KNOW SHE IS UNHAPPY AT THIS MOMENT. BUT I DUNNO HOW TO MAKE HER HAPPY. SEEING MY BELOVED SUFFERS, I AM VERY DEPRESSED TOO.
DIANA: WHAT CAN WE DO?
MCLUNA: RIGHT, WHAT CAN WE DO?
仁在這一刻想念的竟然不是悅,而是在虛擬世界中遇到的同是天涯淪落人。他覺得跟悅相距很遠,反而覺得跟一個素未謀面的女子很近。這真是諷刺,他想:

「遠在天邊,近在眼前
這麼近,那麼遠
何謂距離?

相隔千里
心繫一線

同床共枕
各懷心事

是遠是近? 」

可是,他還是有點內疚,感到有點對不起悅。一來是他仍然愛悅,他的良知阻止他作對不起悅的事然。不過,DIANA在仁的心中佔有一定的位置,他有點迷茫了,不知道如何界定DIANA。
仁等了三十分鐘,DIANA也沒有傳來訊息,平日DIANA不會這樣不辭而別的,仁感到有點不對勁。正當他想著DIANA的時候,門鈴響起。是悅來了仁的家,她很久沒有這麼晚來找仁了;正確點說,他們最近很少見面了。悅哭著臉跑來找仁,她把仁嚇了一跳,加上仁剛才想念著別的女生,令他更覺對不起悅。不知道何故,他很想跟悅好好說自己的感受,可是他還是說不出口。悅來到仁家,什麼也沒說,只是一直的在哭。仁不知如何如好,只是緊緊的摟著她。仁摟著悅,像重拾那月夜,摟著身體因為月光反射而發出銀光的悅的感覺。仁完全不知所措,但他很自然地輕柔掃悅的頭髮,像安撫寵物一樣。每當仁想問悅為何哭得這樣勵害,悅就哭得更勵害。仁沒有辦法,只好讓悅盡情地哭,他想:「這樣悅至少可以把積壓在心中的愁緒抒解出來。」悅就像小孩樣,哭得死去活來後,就覺累了,於是躺在仁的肩膀上睡著了。仁仰望月亮,才發覺已是月圓夜。銀光灑在這兩口子身上,他們縱使貼得很近,人月仍不是兩團圓。仁也慢慢隨著柔光入睡。
當仁第二早醒來時,悅已經離去了。
那夜過後,悅沒有再找仁,他反而每晚都在ICQ中遇見DIANA。然而,他再沒有心情跟DIANA進行擬真實的對話。畢竟,DIANA只是一個素未謀面的人自製的擬真實身份。再者,仁感到越是沒有悅的消息,他越想念她;這五好跟從前相反,那時悅越是找他,他越想逃避她。而且,他漸漸發覺自己對DIANA的興趣,是因為他想暫時脫離現實,讓自己沉醉在虛幻 「月國度」,那麼他就不用想跟悅的問題。那一刻,他很想填補跟悅的空白,於是一鼓氣的跑到悅的家。
當悅應門的時候,她對仁說:「MCLUNA,我等你很久了!」
那一刻,仁說不出話來,但他彷彿明白了一切,緊緊的擁悅入懷內。

後記
我刻意為DIANA營造一個外來客的身份,並將悅陌生化成DIANA,又將仁陌生化成MCLUNA,讓MCLUNA跟DIANA對話時,不會懷疑對方的真正身份,所以他們的ICQ對話以英文寫出來。除此之外,我還特別用上一些ICQ的簡陋字,比如YOU為U, DON’T KNOW為DUNNO, BY THE WAY 為 BTW等,藉以增加MCLUNA跟DIANA的關係的虛擬性。另一方面,悅不是刻意化身為DIANA佯裝跟MCLUNA偶遇;MCLUNA跟DIANA相遇確是一個偶然。我特別以偶然、虛擬世界的模糊距離感,跟現實世界可確切感受到的距離作對比,其中以月亮串連兩個世界。月並起了結構性作用,串連整個故事的流程。我希望這樣的解說可讓讀者更明白我想藉這個故事所帶出的訊息。
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