在笨板看到的 我從頭歡笑到尾

這個伴娘的文筆實在太好了

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 作者  ankashr (*~一期一會~*)                               看板  StupidClown
 標題  [無言] 伴娘的怨念
 時間  Sun Feb 20 04:51:49 2011
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先說........這篇純粹是來惡搞的～
                                                                               
跟伴娘辛酸史一點關係都沒有～也一點都不好笑
                                                                               
我只是純粹因為今天晚上吃太飽～捧著肚子等天亮
                                                                               
不是啦我是說捧著肚子等消化(因為我是趴睡阿＞＜！)才生這篇出來的～
                                                                               
如果大家看完之後還能爆的話～那我只能說..........
                                                                               
你們大家都瘋了............
                                                                               
好啦～廢話我也懶的提了～反正這篇就是很長、很粗、又很大就對了
                                                                               
大家想到哪裡去了= =|||
                                                                               
我的意思是說文章很長、講話很粗、怨念很大！
                                                                                                                             
你們這些色胚........
                                                                               
話說要轉錄文章的我都非常的歡迎
                                                                               
我唯一只有一點要求！那就是”務必”註明
                                                                               
其實我本人是知性又優雅的(默默的心虛ing....)
                                                                               
文章中那些鬼扯一堆的廢話跟粗話～絕對都是被雷劈到的下場
                                                                               
所以拜託大家～一定要幫我強調！強調！再強調！
                                                                               
我是知性又優雅的.........伴娘＝　＝｜｜｜
                                                                               
畢竟～在雙心石滬跟胸肌比椰子大的猛男玩寶貝.........
                                                                               
來追我阿的遊戲可是我最大的夢想耶～
                                                                               
我可不想下輩子只能跟～椰子比猛男的大玩我掐死你阿寶貝～的遊戲＝　＝｜｜｜
                                                                               
廢話完畢～話說我都唸書唸到大學了～
                                                                                                                                
我難道不知道伴娘當太多次會嫁不掉嗎？？
                                                                               
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　我難道不知道嗎？
                                                                               
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　我難道不知道嗎？
                                                                               
嘿～我還真的不知道勒！
                                                                               
ㄟ.........不是啦我是說我當然知道
                                                                               
其實每次我當完伴娘～回到家攤死在床上的時候心裡都想說.......
                                                                               
下次不管是誰來拜託我～我絕對絕對都不要再幹這種蠢到家的爛差事了
                                                                               
可是每次接到電話的時候～下場都是嘴巴比腦袋快
                                                                               
人家拜託的尾音都還沒消失～我的嘴巴就背叛了我......say yes i do了(淚奔)
                                                                               
我的嘴巴背叛了我的心～為何不乾脆滅絕我對伴娘的恐懼..........
                                                                               
僅僅相依的嘴如何say good bye～你比我清楚還要我說yes.........
                                                                                                                                        
所以每次都是在這種狀況下無限迴圈～到最後我也認命了
                                                                               
雷諾瓦說過：痛苦會過去、美會留下
                                                                               
ankashr說過：伴娘會死去、淚會留下
                                                                               
ankashr還說過：新年會過去、肥胖會留下＞＜！
                                                                               
第一次總是比較痛～但我想.....到了第１０次應該就會爽了吧= =|||.....
                                                                               
只是我忍不住好想好想抱怨幾件事情阿～
                                                                               
伴娘的怨念１：
                                                                               
為什麼全世界的喜餅這麼多～你們就偏偏選到同一家？
                                                                               
為什麼同一家的喜餅也這麼多～你們就偏偏選到同一口味？
                                                                               
為什麼選到同一口味就算了～你們還偏偏選同一時間？
                                                                               
你們難道不知道～同一時間要吃掉同一種口味的三大盒喜餅
                                                                                                                    
是一件多麼痛苦又痛徹心扉又痛並快樂著的事嗎？
                                                                               
你們難道不知道～當滿心怨念吃完同一種口味的三大盒喜餅
                                                                               
看著只聞體重漲、不聞胸部漲是一件多麼幹的事嗎？
                                                                               
對於吃喜餅的人有這麼深的幹意..........你們新婚之夜那天還做的下去嗎？
                                                                               
伴娘的怨念２：
                                                                               
為什麼每次參加婚禮～找來的伴郎都是個大花(ㄓㄨ)瓶(ㄊㄡˊ)？
                                                                               
一整天下來除了幫忙拎東西以外～我真的看不出他們有其他的作用～
                                                                               
如果是個英俊瀟灑的花瓶就算了～那我至少還願意跟你一起合唱青花瓷
                                                                               
結果勒！每次找來的不是英俊的跟豬哥亮一樣
                                                                               
不然就是瀟灑的跟潘若迪一樣～
                                                                               
讓我心頭的憤怒小鹿亂撞的同時～內心還閃過一絲絲的嬌喘........
                                                                                                                                       
打錯了......我是說澆息我滿腔的慾火(哭)只留下滿腔的怒火.....
                                                                               
(伴郎....你的伴娘說她很火.....她在後面看著你\_/)
                                                                               
然後如果伴郎幫忙搬東西、捲起袖子的時候不小心露出你的二頭肌
                                                                               
彎腰的時候不小心露出你的胸肌、伸懶腰的時候不小心露出你的腹肌
                                                                               
最後蹲下來的時候不小心露出你的小雞雞(大誤)
                                                                               
那我可能還會原諒你長的像豬哥亮這件事～歡天喜地的撲倒你
                                                                               
結果不是..........常常自己搬不動還拜託我幫忙扛東西
                                                                               
現在是怎樣？我從職業伴娘變成台灣水電工就對了？
                                                                               
我真的沒有誇張～我就曾經幫忙扛過要放在婚禮會場入口的婚紗相框(很大的那一種)
                                                                               
結果當場露出二頭肌的是我
                                                                               
又是幹！！！的好阿～
                                                                                                                
最幹最幹的是...........
                                                                               
這些花(ㄓㄨ)瓶(ㄊㄡˊ)竟然不把我！竟然把別的妹！！！(這才是最大的怨念)
                                                                               
可惡～氣死我了～氣死我了\_/
                                                                               
敬告各位要結婚的新人！
                                                                               
我不管你們要找的伴郎是阿貓阿狗還是阿珠阿花
                                                                               
伴郎最大的用途就是供伴娘意淫～！！供伴娘意淫～！！供伴娘意淫～！！
                                                                               
如果你們不能善盡職責～找到可以讓伴娘流口水的伴郎也沒關係
                                                                               
但是至少要粗勇一點！要又粗又勇的！你懂又粗又勇的意思嗎？
                                                                               
就是至少要超過３０公分！！！！！！！！！！！(我是說胸肌的寬度大家不要誤會了)
                                                                               
不要再找讓伴娘恨到當場想把伴郎拖去廁所
                                                                               
不是為了撲倒他～而是為了想要淹死他的伴郎來了～聽懂了沒？？？(含恨)
                                                                                                                    
當了伴娘九次～到現在我還是沒搞懂伴郎真正的用途
                                                                               
歡迎伴郎寫一篇伴郎的心酸～或是伴郎的怨念之類的文章來平反～
                                                                               
伴娘的怨念３：
                                                                               
為什麼每次交代同桌的記得幫我留菜
                                                                               
當我換完第一套禮服、打完第一場仗～歡天喜地的回到桌前時
                                                                               
看到他們幫我留的菜是螃蟹......................殼？？？？
                                                                               
第一次我想說這應該只是一場美麗的誤會～他們不是故意的
                                                                               
這肯定是我的錯覺～～～這一切是嚇不倒我的～～～哈哈哈
                                                                               
然後當我換完第二套禮服、打完第二場仗～又歡天喜地的回到桌前時
                                                                               
看到他們這次幫我留的菜是龍蝦.......................殼？？？
                                                                               
這時我的理智已經開始斷裂了～唉呀那個斷裂的聲音是多麼的清脆甜美阿～
                                                                                                                             
當我終於打完最後一場仗～最後一次含著眼淚回到桌前的時候
                                                                               
看到他們這次幫我留的菜是....................蝦子..............
                                                                               
是取其音.........好瞎的意思嗎= =？？
                                                                               
這時我聽到了理智徹底斷掉的聲音～批哩啪啦＠！＃％＄％＄︿％︿％＄
                                                                               
幹！！！到底是那個腦殘王八蛋老是留甲殼類的給我阿？？？
                                                                               
你們現在是在陰我就對了！！！
                                                                               
先不說我吃海鮮尤其是甲殼類的會過敏到腫成豬頭
                                                                               
如果我豬頭的很美就算了～問題是我變豬頭就是豬頭了你懂嗎？就是豬頭！！！
                                                                               
你他媽的看過哪個伴娘用手抓螃蟹還是龍蝦的鬼來吃
                                                                               
滿手吃的都是海鮮的腥味、油膩膩的再去幫新娘喬奶的阿？
                                                                               
你他爹的有本事去找的出來～我就馬上打１２面金牌讓你光榮歸天去跟岳飛作伴
                                                                                                                          
氣死我了～好歹留塊豬蹄膀給我吧！
                                                                               
不要每次我看到豬蹄膀的時候～都已經是它嬌羞的躺在別人袋子裡的背影
                                                                               
靠！！！！！靠！！！！！靠！！！！我要豬蹄膀！！！！！
                                                                               
還有不要每次都拱我上台唱歌～
                                                                               
當我唱的滿臉猙獰的時候～
                                                                               
新娘從頭到尾都吃的興高采烈～完全不回頭看我一眼～
                                                                               
媽的！非得逼我唱愛不對人來詛咒你的婚姻就對了啦？
                                                                               
伴娘的怨念４：
                                                                               
各位親愛的新娘～
                                                                               
婚紗公司或是有結過婚的友人應該都有跟你們交代＆提醒過
                                                                               
結婚前千萬不要為了愛美就減肥～
                                                                                                               
免得瘦到了奶～到時候縮水撐不起婚紗
                                                                               
無法露出深到肚臍的事業線那就得不償失了
                                                                               
沒錯！老祖宗的智慧要聽～不聽老人言、吃虧在眼前
                                                                               
看是要把大奶寶拿來當面膜敷
                                                                               
還是把青木瓜四物飲拿來洗澡都沒關係
                                                                               
絕對絕對不要跟自己的奶過不去
                                                                               
但是！！！！！！！！！
                                                                               
他們是有交代過千萬不要減肥～可是沒交代過叫你們要增肥阿！！！
                                                                               
媽的勒～自己結婚跟老公甜蜜蜜就已經閃到我都要去做近視雷射了
                                                                               
還給我幸福胖！！！幸福胖就算了還有臉怪婚紗太小件
                                                                               
婚紗曰：怪我囉？
                                                                                                           
偏偏很多婚紗都不能穿束腹～因為遮～～～～不～～～～住～～～～～
                                                                               
結果害我要出動九陽神功大法～和平、奮鬥、救中國！
                                                                               
ㄜ.........打錯.........
                                                                               
我是說提臀、縮肛、用力拉～把拉鍊拉起來～
                                                                               
我真的超怕拉鍊被我拉壞～我還得賠一件婚紗= =|||.....
                                                                               
還有～不要每次拜託我當伴娘結果我還得自備伴娘服
                                                                               
每參加一次我就得買一次～
                                                                               
因為你們結婚一年四季、春夏秋冬、３６５天全給我湊齊了
                                                                               
害我想重複穿都沒機會～你們知不知道伴娘服有多貴啊？
                                                                               
你們知不知道要買一件不是白色、不是黑色、要遮胸部、遮大腿、遮屁股
                                                                               
最好能把我全身包透透～就算又把椅子坐垮也不會曝光
                                                                                                                   
就算我腰彎到頭都可以碰到地板～也不會露出事業線
                                                                               
就算我蹲在地上揹躬屈膝的拉裙襬～看起來背影也是荒涼又美麗的伴娘服
                                                                               
有多難？？？他媽的知不知道有多難阿～～～～～(怒吼)
                                                                               
重點是這樣的循環要重複９次～你們不嫌累我都累了嗚~(咬手帕啜泣)
                                                                               
伴娘最後的怨恨：
                                                                               
親愛的新娘：
                                                                               
我知道胸部小不是你的錯
                                                                               
我也知道胸部小就算了～
                                                                               
有時我連用顯微鏡也找不到它的時候～仍然不是你的錯
                                                                               
我更知道～明知自己胸部小～
                                                                               
還不趁婚前趕快喝上一箱的青木瓜四物飲
                                                                                                                       
或是什麼大奶寶的來補一下～依然不是你的錯
                                                                               
可是如果以上這些都不是你的錯的話..............
                                                                               
幹！！！難道是我的錯嗎？
                                                                               
知道自己胸部小就要認命！！Ａ罩杯還肖想變成Ｄ罩杯？？？
                                                                               
媽的勒～想逼死我不成啊？
                                                                               
我是伴娘耶～又不是韋小寶有抓奶龍抓手～還輕輕一撥就回覆原來的樣子～
                                                                               
你都不知道～
                                                                               
每次我在那邊喬奶喬到柴山變壽山、壽山變走山的時候～我的內心有多抓狂～
                                                                               
每次換禮服都在跟時間賽跑～三套禮服要在１０道菜的時間內換完
                                                                               
平均一套禮服只能擋三道菜～偏偏出菜的速度快的跟奧運比賽賽跑一樣
                                                                               
屁都還沒放完～菜就出完了～然後新郎就抓狂了～
                                                                                                                    
我在裡面分秒必爭、喬奶喬到淚流滿面的時候～
                                                                               
你姑奶奶還有臉在那邊嫌右奶的角度稍微下垂了８度
                                                                               
我是聽說過～阿兵哥是全世界計算時間最精準的人這種說法
                                                                               
但是自從擔任伴娘之後～
                                                                               
我也發現了～新娘是全世界計算奶垂的圓周率最精準的人
                                                                               
請問我這項重大的發現～政府可能因此頒發一座終身成就獎給我嗎？
                                                                               
好吧～之前有人問我喬奶的撇步在哪裡～
                                                                               
在這裡我就大放送～獨家！獨家！大獨家！大家趕快拿筆記抄好喔
                                                                               
簡單幾字訣就讓你Ａ奶變爆奶～從此幸福又美滿
                                                                               
秘訣就是：集中、托高、用力、抓狂、放棄.....
                                                                               
拎老師的勒～為什麼人家伴郎都不用幫新郎搓成３０公分
                                                                                                                        
我就要這麼苦命的把Ａ喬到Ｄ阿？
                                                                               
拜託你們了啦～結個婚就已經夠折騰我了～
                                                                               
自己人麥安ㄋㄟ相害啦～不然你們早晚會有報應的！！
                                                                               
最後的最後～結婚就結婚我也認了
                                                                               
我只希望你們不要太快生小孩～
                                                                               
不然結婚已經痛一次、累一次了
                                                                               
滿月酒我還得再痛一次、再累一次(幫忙帶小孩)
                                                                               
那我絕對會提早香消玉殞的～
                                                                               
如果你們還有良心的話～記得在我的墳前掛上音容宛在的牌子
                                                                               
我要標楷體～字型大小４０應該就夠了
                                                                               
如果還有紙紮猛男作陪那我可能還會少恨你們一點～
                                                                                                                     
不是啦～我是說～你們幸福就好了啦～不幸福我可是會想殺人的！
                                                                               
畢竟我這麼鞠躬盡瘁、死而後已
                                                                               
都已經一片赤誠到
                                                                               
只差沒在我的額頭上刻上正氣歌證明我的一片鐵血丹心了
                                                                               
所以..........記得要幸福喔！
                                                                               
以上～產生於凌晨近五點的胡言亂語～再次下台一鞠躬～有緣再相會吧！
                                                                               
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