I am losing faith in him.

Seems that whenever I see other people, they are more normal than he is. Seems that I can always feel more comfortable being with someone else than being with him. Seems that I am free whenever I am not seeing him.

I guess that's an important signal, that I should turn back, that I should not fall into the well deeper and deeper.

My life was so full of energy and humor, well, before I realized his feelings towards me. I admire myself, at that time, but certainly not at this moment. I hate myself for being so damn jealous, I hate myself for being so insecure, I hate myself for loving him.

I just don't like the feeling of the vigorous mood swings inside my heart, yet masking my emotions with all these calm expressions showing that I am indifferent and "professional" in what I am doing.

WHAT FOR???

I am torturing myself, indeed. Where is my interest in Japanese language? Where is my fond of reading? Where is my passion for travelling? Where is my real self?

I have lost every bit of myself at this moment. I feel like I am a slave now.

NO NO NO, I can't live my life this way. I just can't.

I have to change. GOD, please help me......