Liking Yourself

“That which we are, we are…”

－ALFRED, LORD TENNYSON

Once a friend of mine named ED said to me, “Fora very long time I didn’t like myself.” It was not said in self-pity but simply as an unfortunate fact. “It was a very difficult time,” he said, “and very painful. I did not like myself for a number of reasons, some of them valid and some of them pure fancy. I would hate to have to go back to that.”

“Then gradually,” he said, “I discovered with surprise and pleasure that a number of people did like me. And I thought,if they can like me, why can’t I like myself? Just thinking it did not do it,but slowly I learned to like myself and then it was all right.”

This was not said in self-love in its bad connotation but in self-knowledge. He meant literally that he had learned to accept and like the person Ed as he liked other people. It gave him a great advantage. Most people do not like themselves at all. They distrust themselves, put on masks and pomposities. They quarrel and boast and pretend and are jealous because they do not like themselves. But mostly they do not even know themselves well enough to form a true liking, and since we automatically fear and dislike strangers, we fear and dislike our stranger-selves.

Once Ed was able to like himself he was released from the secret prison of self-contempt.

I wish we could all be so. If we could learn to like ourselves even a little, maybe our cruelties and angers might melt away. Maybe we could not have to hurt one another just to keep our ego chins above water.

BY JOHN STEINBECK (AUTHOR)

喜歡你自己

我們是怎樣的人，就是怎樣的人。

－但尼遜

我的朋友愛德華有一次對我說：「曾經有很長一陣子，我不喜歡我自己。」這不是他自憐，而真是一種非常不幸的事實。他說：「那一陣子真是十分難挨過去，並且非常痛苦。我有很多理由不去喜歡我自己，那些理由還算正當，有些卻純粹是出於幻想，我真厭惡再去回想起那些過去的事了。」

「後來漸漸地，我驚喜地發現有些人確是喜歡我的。我想，既然他們會喜歡我，何以我不能去喜歡我自己呢？開始時我只是那麼想想而已，但慢慢地我學會了如何喜歡我自己，於是樣樣事都覺得稱心如意了。」他說。

這是針對人必須自知，而不是針對那自戀的有害內涵而言的，他真正的意思是說他學到了容忍和喜歡愛德華這麼一個人，如同他喜歡其他人一樣。這樣做對他有很大的好處。很多人一點也不喜歡他們自己。他們不信任自己，虛假而自大。他們經常爭吵，自吹自擂、偽裝、嫉妒，因為他們對真正的自己並不喜歡。而最主要的原因是他們對自己了解得不夠深切，所以無法培養對自己的喜愛。我們不自覺地懼怕和不喜歡陌生人，因此也就在不自覺中懼怕和不喜歡我們那「陌生的自己」了。

只要愛德華一旦能夠喜歡自己，便從自棄的束縛中解脫出來了。

但願我們都能做到這種地步。只要我們能稍微學會喜歡自己，也許我們心頭的憤怒和殘暴行為都會因而消失，也許我們便不必為了維持不必要的自我尊嚴而傷害別人了。

史坦貝克（美小說家）