Night, Mother(English version)@61-77

-- 61 --

JESSIE If I'd known I was an epileptic, Mama, I wouldn't have ridden any horses.
THELMA Make you feel like a freak, is that what I should have done?
JESSIE Just get the manicure tray and sit down!
THELMA  (Throwing it to the floor.) I don't want a manicure!
JESSIE Doesn't look like you do, no.
THELMA Maybe I did drop you, you don't know.
JESSIE If you say you didn't, you didn't.
THELMA  (Beginning to break down.) Maybe I fed you the wrong thing. Maybe you had a fever some time and I didn't know it soon enough. Maybe it's a punishment.
JESSIE For what?
THELMA I don't know. Because of how I felt about your father. Because I didn't want any more children. Because I smoked too much or didn't eat right when I was carrying you. It has to be something I did.
JESSIE It does not. It's just a sickness, not a curse. Epilepsy doesn't mean anything. It just is.
THELMA I'm not talking about the fits here, Jessie! I'm talking about this killing yourself. It has to be me that's the matter here. You wouldn't be doing this if it wasn't. I didn't tell you things or I married you off to the wrong man or I took you in and let your life get away from you or all of it put together. I don't know what I did, but I did it, I know. This is all my fault, Jessie, but I don't know what to do about it, now!

-- 62 --

JESSIE  (Exasperated at having to say this again.) It doesn't have anything to do with you!
THELMA Everything you do has to do with me, Jessie. You can't do anything, wash your face or cut your finger, without doing it to me. That's right! You might as well kill me as you, Jessie, it's the same thing. This has to do with me, Jessie.
JESSIE Then what if it does! What if it has everything to do with you! What if you are all I have and you're not enough? What if I could take all the rest of it if only I didn't have you here? What if the only way I can get away from you for good is to kill myself? What if it is? I can still do it!
THELMA  (In desperate tears.) Don't leave me, Jessie! (Jessie stands for a moment, then turns for the bedroom.)No! (Mama grabs her arm.)
JESSIE  (Carefully takes her arm away.) I have a box of things I want people to have. I'm just going to go get it for you. You … just rest a minute.

(And Jessie is gone and Mama heads for the telephone, but she can't even pick up the receiver this time, and instead, stoops to clean up the bottles that have spilled out of the tray. Jessie returns carrying a box that groceries were delivered in. It probably says Hershey Kisses or Starkist Tuna. Mama is still down on the floor cleaning up, hoping that maybe if she just makes it look nice enough, Jessie will stay.)

-- 63 --

THELMA Jessie, how can I live here without you? I need you! You're supposed to tell me to stand up straight and say how nice I look in my pink dress and drink my milk. You're supposed to go around and lock up so I know we're safe for the night, and when I wake up, you're supposed to be out there making the coffee and watching me get older every day and you're supposed to help me die when the time comes. I can't do that by myself, Jessie. I'm not like you, Jessie. I hate the quiet and I don't want to die and I don't want you to go, Jessie. How can I …

(Has to stop a moment.) How can I get up every day knowing you had to kill yourself to make it stop hurting and I was here all the time and I never even saw it. And then you gave me this chance to make it better, convince you to stay alive and I couldn't do it. How can I live with myself after this, Jessie?
JESSIE I only told you so I could explain it, so you wouldn't blame yourself, so you wouldn't feel bad. There wasn't anything you could say to change my mind. I didn't want you to save me. I just wanted you to know.
THELMA Stay with me just a little longer. Just a few more years. I don't have that many more to go, Jessie. And as soon as I'm dead, you can do whatever you want. Maybe with me gone, you'll have all the quiet you want, right here in the house. And maybe one day you'll put in some begonias up the walk and get just the right rain for them all summer. And Ricky will be married by then and he'll bring your grand- babies over and you can sneak them a piece of candy when their Daddy's not looking and then be real glad when they've gone home and left you to your quiet again.

-- 64 --

JESSIE Don't you see, Mama, everything I do winds up like this. How could I think you would understand? How could I think you would want a manicure? We could hold hands for an hour and then I could go shoot myself? I'm sorry about tonight, Mama, but it's exactly why I'm doing it.
THELMA If you've got the guts to kill yourself, Jessie, you've got the guts to stay alive.
JESSIE I know that. So it's really just a matter of where I'd rather be.
THELMA Look, maybe I can't think of what you should do, but that doesn't mean there isn't something that would help. You find it. You think of it. You can keep trying. You can get brave and try some more. You don't have to give up!
JESSIE I'm not giving up! This is the other thing I'm trying. And I'm sure there are some other things that might work, but might work isn't good enough any more. I need something that will work. This will work. That's why I picked it.
THELMA But something might happen. Something that could change everything. Who knows what it might be, but it might be worth waiting for! (Jessie doesn't respond.) Try it for two more weeks. We could have more talks like tonight.
JESSIE No, Mama.

-- 65 --

THELMA I'll pay more attention to you. Tell the truth when you ask me. Let you have your say.
JESSIE No, Mama! We wouldn't have more talks like tonight, because it's this next part that's made this last part so good, Mama. No, Mama. This is how I have my say. This is how I say what I thought about it all and I say No. To Dawson and Loretta and the Red Chinese and epilepsy and Ricky and Cecil and you. And me. And hope. I say No!

(Then going to Mama on the sofa.) Just let me go easy, Mama.
THELMA How can I let you go?
JESSIE You can because you have to. It's what you've always done.
THELMA You are my child!
JESSIE I am what became of your child.

(Mama cannot answer.) I found an old baby picture of me. And it was somebody else, not me. It was somebody pink and fat who never heard of sick or lonely, somebody who cried and got fed, and reached up and got held and kicked but didn't hurt anybody, and slept whenever she wanted to, just by closing her eyes. Somebody who mainly just laid there and laughed at the colors waving around over her head and chewed on a polka-dot whale and woke up knowing some new trick nearly every day and rolled over and drooled on the sheet and felt your hand pulling my quilt back up over me. That's who I started out and this is who is left.

(There is no self-pity here.)

That's what this is about. It's somebody I lost, all right, it's my own self. Who I never was. Or who I tried to be and never got there. Somebody I waited for who never came. And never will. So, see, it doesn't much matter what else happens in the world or in this house, even. I'm what was worth waiting for and I didn't make it. Me … who might have made a difference to me … I'm not going to show up, so there's no reason to stay, except to keep you company, and that's … not reason enough because I'm not … very good company.

(A pause.)Am I.

-- 66 --

THELMA  (Knowing she must tell the truth.) No. And neither am I.
JESSIE I had this strange little thought, well, maybe it's not so strange. Anyway, after Christmas, after I decided to do this, I would wonder, sometimes, what might keep me here, what might be worth staying for, and you know what it was? It was maybe if there was something I really liked, like maybe if I really liked rice pudding or cornflakes for breakfast or something, that might be enough.
THELMA Rice pudding is good.
JESSIE Not to me.
THELMA And you're not afraid?
JESSIE Afraid of what?
THELMA I'm afraid of it, for me, I mean. When my time comes. I know it's coming, but …
JESSIE You don't know when. Like in a scary movie.
THELMA Yeah, sneaking up on me like some killer on the loose, hiding out in the back yard just waiting for me to have my hands full some day and how am I supposed to protect myself anyhow when I don't know what he looks like and I don't know how he sounds coming up behind me like that or if it will hurt or take very long or what I don't get done before it happens.

-- 67 --

JESSIE You've got plenty of time left.
THELMA I forget what for, right now.
JESSIE For whatever happens, I don't know. For the rest of your life. For Agnes burning down one more house or Dawson losing his hair or …
THELMA  (Quickly.) Jessie. I can't just sit here and say O. K., kill yourself if you want to.
JESSIE Sure you can. You just did. Say it again.
THELMA  (Really startled.) Jessie! (Quiet horror.)How dare you! (Furious.)

How dare you! You think you can just leave whenever you want like you're watching television here? No, you can't, Jessie. You make me feel like a fool for being alive, child and you are so wrong! I like it here, and I will stay here until they make me go, until they drag me screaming and I mean screeching into my grave and you're real smart to get away before then because, I mean, honey, you've never heard noise like that in your life.

(Jessie turns away.)

Who am I talking to? You're gone already, aren't you? I'm looking right through you! I can't stop you because you're already gone! I guess you think they'll all have to talk about you now! I guess you think this will really confuse them. Oh yes, ever since Christmas, you've been laughing to yourself and thinking, "Boy are they all in for a surprise." Well, nobody's going to be a bit surprised, sweetheart. This is just like you. Do it the hard way, that's my girl all right.

(Jessie gets up and goes into the kitchen, but Mama follows her.) You know who they're going to feel sorry for? Me! How about that! Not you, me! They're going to be ashamed of you. Yes. Ashamed! If somebody asks Dawson about it, he'll change the subject as fast as he can. He'll talk about how much he has to pay to park his car these days.

-- 68 --

JESSIE Leave me alone.
THELMA It's the truth!
JESSIE I should've just left you a note!
THELMA  (Screaming.) Yes! (Then suddenly understanding what she has said, nearly paralyzed by the thought of it, she turns slowly to face Jessie, nearly whispering.)No. No. I … might not have thought of all the things you've said.

JESSIE It's O. K., Mama. (And Mama is nearly unconscious from the emotional devastation of these last few moments. She sits down at the kitchen table, hurt and angry and so desperately afraid. But she looks almost numb. She is so far beyond what is known as pain that she is virtually unreachable and Jessie knows this, and talks quietly, watching for signs of recovery. She washes her hands in the sink.) I remember you liked that preacher who did Daddy's, so if you want to ask him to do the service, that's O. K. with me.
THELMA  (Not an answer, just a word.) What.
JESSIE  (Putting on hand lotion as she talks.) And pick some songs you like or let Agnes pick, she'll know exactly which ones. Oh and I had your dress cleaned that you wore to Daddy's. You looked real good in that.

-- 69 --

THELMA I don't remember, hon.
JESSIE And it won't be so bad once your friends start coming to the funeral home. You'll probably see people you haven't seen for years, but I thought about what you should say to get you over that nervous part when they first come in.
THELMA  (Simply repeating.) Come in.
JESSIE Take them up to see their flowers, they'd like that. And when they say, "I'm so sorry, Thelma," you just say, "I appreciate your coming, Connie." And then ask how their garden was this summer or what they're doing for Thanksgiving or how their children …
THELMA I don't think I should ask about their children. I'll talk about what they have on, that's always good. And I'll have some crochet work with me.
JESSIE And Agnes will be there, so you might not have to talk at all.
THELMA Maybe if Connie Richards does come, I can get her to tell me where she gets that Irish yarn, she calls it. I know it doesn't come from Ireland. I think it just comes with a green wrapper.
JESSIE And be sure to invite enough people home afterward so you get enough food to feed them all and have some left for you. But don't let anybody take anything home, especially Loretta.

-- 70 --

THELMA Loretta will get all the food set up, honey. It's only fair to let her have some macaroni or something.
JESSIE No, Mama. You have to be more selfish from now on.

(Sitting down now with Mama.) Now, somebody's bound to ask you why I did it and you just say you don't know. That you loved me and you know I loved you and we just sat around tonight like every other night of our lives and then I came over and kissed you and said, " 'Night, Mother," and you heard me close my bedroom door and the next thing you heard was the shot. And whatever reasons I had, well, you guess I just took them with me.
THELMA  (Quietly.) It was something personal.
JESSIE Good. That's good, Mama.
THELMA That's what I'll say, then.
JESSIE Personal. Yeah.
THELMA Is that what I tell Dawson and Loretta too? We sat around, you kissed me, " 'Night, Mother?" They'll want to know more, Jessie. They won't belive it.
JESSIE Well, then, tell them what we did. I filled up the candy jars. I cleaned out the refrigerator. We made some hot chocolate and put the cover back on the sofa. You had no idea. All right? I really think it's better that way. If they know we talked about it, they really won't understand how you let me go.

(Mama does not answer.) It's private. Tonight is private, yours and mine, and I don't want anybody else to have any of it.

-- 71 --

THELMA O. K. then.
JESSIE  (Standing behind Mama now, holding her shoulders.) Now, when you hear the shot, I don't want you to come in. First of all, you won't be able to get in by yourself, but I don't want you trying. Call Dawson, then call the police and then call Agnes. And then you'll need something to do til somebody gets here, so wash the hot chocolate pan. You wash that pan til you hear the doorbell ring and I don't care if it's an hour, you keep washing that pan.
THELMA I'll make my calls and then I'll just sit. I won't need something to do. What will the police say?
JESSIE They'll do that gunpowder test, and ask you what happened and by that time, the ambulance will be here and they'll come in and get me and you know how that goes. You stay out here with Dawson and Loretta. You keep Dawson out here. I want the police in the room first, not Dawson, O. K.?
THELMA What if Dawson and Loretta want me to go home with them?
JESSIE  (Returning to the living room.) That's up to you.
THELMA I think I'll stay here. All they've got is Sanka.
JESSIE Maybe Agnes could come stay with you for a few days.

-- 72 --

THELMA  (Standing up now, looking into the living room.) I'd rather be by myself, I think. (Walking toward the box Jessie brought in earlier.)

You want me to give people those things?
JESSIE  (They sit down on the sofa, Jessie holding the box on her lap.) I want Loretta to have my little calculator. Dawson bought it for himself, you know, but then he saw one he liked better and he couldn't bring both of them home with Loretta counting every penny the way she does, so he gave the first one to me. Be funny for her to have it now, don't you think? And all my house slippers are in a sack for her in my closet. Tell her I know they'll fit and I've never worn any of them and make sure Dawson hears you tell her that. I'm glad he loves Loretta so much, but I wish he knew not everybody has her size feet.
THELMA  (Taking the calculator.) O. K.
JESSIE  (Reaching into the box again.) This letter is for Dawson, but it's mostly about you, so read it if you want. There's a list of presents for you for at least twenty more Christmases and birthdays, so if you want anything special you better add it to this list before you give it to him. Or if you want to be surprised, just don't read that page. This Christmas, you're getting mostly stuff for the house like a new rug in your bathroom and needlework, but next Christmas, you're really going to cost him next Christmas. I think you'll like it a lot and you'd never think of it.

-- 73 --

THELMA And you think he'll go for it?
JESSIE I think he'll feel like a real jerk if he doesn't. Me telling him to like this and all. Now, this number's where you call Cecil. I called it last week and he answered so I know he still lives there.
THELMA What do you want me to tell him?

JESSIE Tell him we talked about him and I only had good things to say about him, but mainly tell him to find Ricky and tell him what I did and tell Ricky you have something for him, out here, from me, and to come get it.

(Pulls a sack out of the box.)
THELMA  (The sack feels empty.) What is it?
JESSIE  (Taking it off.) My watch. (Putting it in the sack and taking a ribbon out of the sack to tie around the top of it.)
THELMA He'll sell it!
JESSIE That's the idea. I appreciate him not stealing it already. I'd like to buy him a good meal.
THELMA He'll buy dope with it!
JESSIE Well, then, I hope he gets some good dope with it, Mama. And the rest of this is for you. (Handing Mama the box now. Mama picks up the things and looks at them.)

-- 74 --

THELMA  (Surprised and pleased.) When did you do all this? During my naps, I guess.
JESSIE I guess. I tried to be quiet about it.

(As Mama is puzzled by the presents.) Those are just little presents. For whenever you need one. They're not bought presents, just things I thought you might like to look at, pictures, or things you think you've lost. Things you didn't know you had, even. You'll see.
THELMA I'm not sure I want them. They'll make me think of you.
JESSIE No they won't. They're just things, like a free tube of toothpaste I found hanging on the door one day.
THELMA Oh. All right then.
JESSIE Well, maybe there's one nice present in there somewhere. It's Granny's ring she gave me and I thought you might like to have it, but I didn't think you'd wear it if I gave it to you right now.
THELMA (Taking the box to a table nearby.) No. Probably not. (Turning back to face her.) I'm ready for my manicure, I guess. Want me to wash my hands again?
JESSIE (Standing up.) It's time for me to go, Mama.

-- 75 --

THELMA  (Starting to her.) No, Jessie, you've got all night!
JESSIE  (As Mama grabs her.) No, Mama.
THELMA It's not even ten o'clock.
JESSIE  (Very calm.) Let me go, Mama.
THELMA I can't. You can't go. You can't do this. You didn't say it would be so soon, Jessie. I'm scared. I love you.
JESSIE  (Takes her hands away.) Let go of me, Mama. I've said everything I had to say.
THELMA  (Standing still a minute.) You said you wanted to do my nails.
JESSIE  (Taking a small step backward.) I can't. It's too late.
THELMA It's not too late!
JESSIE I don't want you to wake Dawson and Loretta when you call. I want them to still be up and dressed so they can get right over.
THELMA  (As Jessie backs up, Mama moves in on her, but carefully.) They wake up fast, Jessie, if they have to. They don't matter here, Jessie. You do. I do. We're not through yet. We've got a lot of things to take care of here. I don't know where my prescriptions are and you didn't tell me what to tell Doctor Davis when he calls or how much you want me to tell Ricky or who I call to rake the leaves or…

-- 76 --

JESSIE Don't try and stop me, Mama, you can't do it.
THELMA  (Grabs her again, this time hard.) I can too! I'll stand in front of this hall and you can't get past me. (They struggle.) You'll have to knock me down to get away from me, Jessie. I'm not about to let you …

(Mama struggles with Jessie at the door an in the struggle, Jessie gets away from her and:)

JESSIE  (Almost a whisper.) 'Night, Mother. (Jessie vanishes into her bedroom and we hear the door lock just as Mama gets to it.)

THELMA  (Screams.) Jessie!

(And pounds on the door.)

Jessie, you let me in there. Don't you do this, Jessie. I'm not going to stop screaming until you open this door, Jessie. Jessie! Jessie! What if I don't do any of the things you told me to do! I'll tell Cecil what a miserable man he was to make you feel the way he did and I'll give Ricky's watch to Dawson if I feel like it and the only way you can make sure I do what you want is you come out here and make me, Jessie!

(Pounding again.)

Jessie! Stop this! I didn't know! I was here with you all the time. How could I know you were so alone?

(And Mama stops for a moment, breathless and frantic, putting her ear to the door and when she doesn't hear anything, she stands back up straight again and screams once more.)Jessie! Please!

(And we hear the shot, and it sounds like an answer, it sounds like No. And Mama collapses against the door, tears streaming down her face, but not screaming any more. In shock now.)

Jessie, Jessie, child … Forgive me. (A pause.)I thought you were mine.

(And she leaves the door and makes her way through the living room, around the furniture, as though she didn't know where it was, not knowing what to do. Finally, she goes to the stove in the kitchen and picks up the hot chocolate pan and carries it with her to the telephone and holds onto it while she dials the number. She looks down at the pan, holding it tight like her life depended on it. She hears Loretta answer.)

Loretta, let me talk to Dawson, honey.

-- 77 --

THE END