2003-07-02 16:53:11Fishy
Come give me a hug
I can’t say it was you that made me feel upset. I couldn’t defend myself. It’s hard for me to “prove” that I like to be with you coz I never seriously thought about why—I don’t think I need “reasons” to love someone.
I held the tears in my eyes until the moment I said good night to ya. I wish I could defend myself. I wish I could explain to you that I didn’t want to lose the connection with you. How come I seemed unsure to you?
I wish you could give me a hug now.
I really don’t agree with the long distance relationship. I know I had a bad experience on it and you know it’s not practical as well. It’s hard to communicate and keep a good relationship over a long distance. I wish we could meet so that we could talk until we solve the problem—I’m not sure what problem I have though. Anyways it’s like something wrong’s going underneath. Otherwise you wouldn’t have the “bad feeling” come up to you for the second time. It felt like you had some doubt and what I said sounded unsure to you. It felt like you were the one who was trying to break up with me—coz I didn’t mean that at all. You said I gotta decide if this “connection” was good for me. What a word! Connection. It broke my heart. A connection seems less than a relationship. Plus the feeling you gave me when you said it, made me feel upset.
I don’t know why but it’s hard for me to be in this “different” world. As my parents and other people around me think, I’m supposed to be sort of like a Chinese, going with the traditional thoughts. How come it seems so hard to be here, the world I was born in? I think it’s easy for me to pick things up, which is both good and bad. It sort of means people could have impacts on me. If someone told me something and there’s no right or wrong, I might get to think about it and finally part of the idea might become mine. Say, how can you tell whether your lover treats you good or bad? People here might put the time that he/she spends with you into account. I don’t know. I think I can tell it by feelings. What if people keep saying that your lover is supposed to spend as much as he/she could to be with you? That seems to be what I’ve been seeing in China. It takes some thinking to know that what people say might not seem right to me.
I’m back home for 12 days. 12 days doesn’t seem a long time but I’ve been seeing lots of “differences” that I didn’t expect. It feels like I was back to the past, where I was like a princess and I was spoiled. Sometimes it takes some time to accept the fact that you’re different from yourself in the past. I’ve been to places where I had lots of memory. I could almost see myself of 17 years old doing the same thing at those places. It was a little hard to separate the present tense from the past, and escape from the past. It was part of me though it’s gone.
I’ve gone through all the traditional ideas and eventually got to be with the person I liked. I’m proud of that because I knew what I wanted and I got it. Now I have you having some doubts about me. I’m sorry it seemed awkward for me to defend myself but you know what, I’m not gonna think hard of some logical stuff to convince you and make everything seem sure. I’m not logical. Let me tell you something, when I really liked someone, I would know it and it didn’t take logical stuff or convincing words to prove.
I know what I am.
You doubt hurts me.
If I were still like a “princess”, I wouldn’t have written you this much stuff to try to let you know what I think. If I were still like a “princess”, I would have poured my tempers on you, got mad at you and refused to talk to you for a while. I know I’m not a princess and I’m not like most of the Chinese girls. I don’t expect my lover to be my slave. However, Chinese girls do have something in common---we expect our boyfriends to treat us well and trust us.
I held the tears in my eyes until the moment I said good night to ya. I wish I could defend myself. I wish I could explain to you that I didn’t want to lose the connection with you. How come I seemed unsure to you?
I wish you could give me a hug now.
I really don’t agree with the long distance relationship. I know I had a bad experience on it and you know it’s not practical as well. It’s hard to communicate and keep a good relationship over a long distance. I wish we could meet so that we could talk until we solve the problem—I’m not sure what problem I have though. Anyways it’s like something wrong’s going underneath. Otherwise you wouldn’t have the “bad feeling” come up to you for the second time. It felt like you had some doubt and what I said sounded unsure to you. It felt like you were the one who was trying to break up with me—coz I didn’t mean that at all. You said I gotta decide if this “connection” was good for me. What a word! Connection. It broke my heart. A connection seems less than a relationship. Plus the feeling you gave me when you said it, made me feel upset.
I don’t know why but it’s hard for me to be in this “different” world. As my parents and other people around me think, I’m supposed to be sort of like a Chinese, going with the traditional thoughts. How come it seems so hard to be here, the world I was born in? I think it’s easy for me to pick things up, which is both good and bad. It sort of means people could have impacts on me. If someone told me something and there’s no right or wrong, I might get to think about it and finally part of the idea might become mine. Say, how can you tell whether your lover treats you good or bad? People here might put the time that he/she spends with you into account. I don’t know. I think I can tell it by feelings. What if people keep saying that your lover is supposed to spend as much as he/she could to be with you? That seems to be what I’ve been seeing in China. It takes some thinking to know that what people say might not seem right to me.
I’m back home for 12 days. 12 days doesn’t seem a long time but I’ve been seeing lots of “differences” that I didn’t expect. It feels like I was back to the past, where I was like a princess and I was spoiled. Sometimes it takes some time to accept the fact that you’re different from yourself in the past. I’ve been to places where I had lots of memory. I could almost see myself of 17 years old doing the same thing at those places. It was a little hard to separate the present tense from the past, and escape from the past. It was part of me though it’s gone.
I’ve gone through all the traditional ideas and eventually got to be with the person I liked. I’m proud of that because I knew what I wanted and I got it. Now I have you having some doubts about me. I’m sorry it seemed awkward for me to defend myself but you know what, I’m not gonna think hard of some logical stuff to convince you and make everything seem sure. I’m not logical. Let me tell you something, when I really liked someone, I would know it and it didn’t take logical stuff or convincing words to prove.
I know what I am.
You doubt hurts me.
If I were still like a “princess”, I wouldn’t have written you this much stuff to try to let you know what I think. If I were still like a “princess”, I would have poured my tempers on you, got mad at you and refused to talk to you for a while. I know I’m not a princess and I’m not like most of the Chinese girls. I don’t expect my lover to be my slave. However, Chinese girls do have something in common---we expect our boyfriends to treat us well and trust us.