I think I’ve figured something out. For the first time in the relationship I’m having, I’ve felt like I need some time alone. Then I remember what you said to me before/when we broke up. My boyfriend asked me if I thought I didn’t want a relationship. I remember crying by the lake the other night when you said to me you didn’t want a relationship. And you told me not to take it personal. Apparently I couldn’t not take it personal cause I wouldn’t realize how it feels until it hits me. Now I’m working a lot, compared with none in the past 20 something years. And I have to study hard. Sometimes I got grumpy cause my boyfriend came to see me earlier than what we had decided. I realize that it’s not that I don’t like him, but I need some time alone after squeezing my smile to the burger lovers and dealing with all my lectures and study and all that shit.
I felt kind of stupid when I thought about talking to you about this. Do I have a good friend to talk to? I’m not that sure. Cause this has to do with some of my personal stuff too. I felt kind of weird when I wanted you to know that now I understand a little better how you felt about not wanting a relationship. And it’s weird that I feel like talking to you when I got upset in this current relationship.
You’re so far away from me now. We don’t even talk via email often. I was thinking, hopefully we are still good friends who can spend 3 hours on the phone. You make me laugh so hard.
I’m not turning back to you when I get upset with my current boyfriend. I just need someone reliable to talk to and maybe who would give me a hug.

I think I’ve kind of learnt to be honest with myself. Sometimes it conflicts with the fact that I don’t want to make my boyfriend feel bad by saying no to him. I told him to go home tonight just cause I felt like being alone. He wanted to stay. I was thinking being honest to oneself was such an easy thing to do. It turns out that, as what I learned in psych, it takes maturity to do so.
The more he wants to stay and make me feel good, the more distance I feel I need. The harder he tries to push me to what he wants me to be, the more distant I feel with him. I’ve seeking for a perfect relationship. I was hoping this would be the one. I have a hard time getting over with the fact that I got hurt by my boyfriend, who claims that he loves me who said that he would accept who I am but at the same time wants me to do this this and that. So now I feel I’m holding something back. Not that he’s a bad boyfriend or whatnot. It’s just..I need some time alone. Sounds simple. I figured out it is hard to say it loud in a relationship.